Jungian Concepts, Anxiety and Taxes
Today has been icky, rain, kinda cold, not as cold as it has been but enough of where I am afraid to turn off the heater for fear of being cold in the night.
The past week or so I havent been able to really pin down what I am feeling, other than the bouts of anxiety that seem to plague me at the worst moments. Its not something I can put my finger on, just a live the next second kind of deal. I will admit to being a bit frustrated with myself and the anxiety that makes me want to run away from any new place or situation. Getting used to strangers again, but then again I always go where I know at least one person.
Yes, that is the reason I am not in Douglasville tonight playing poker at a tourney, I would not know anyone there, no security blanket so to speak. And I cheapen myself in thinking that I should be doing it on my own but chicken out when its a new place/situation/people.
I wanted to run last night, so badly when I went to play poker at 285. I arrived early, not know what traffic would be like on the way and it was murder for me till Blood showed up. That horrid part of me half way ‘heard’ people talking about me, accusing me, wanting me to go away. I KNOW ITS NOT REAL! That is the hard part to deal with, I ‘hear’ it but I know its not real and I have to battle myself. So I ordered food, not that I could eat, but 500 more in chips, and I would eat it after I got home and settled down. I still wanted to bolt, even after Blood showed himself. It was just loud, and I need to get the fuck over it.
Suprisingly I think I did well with the game, coming in 6th out of 30 or so people. My usual goal of final table was reached, even though I was short stacked severely at multiple points. I made a couple of bad moves in my opinion, for one playing at times too tight, but at least I made it. I just have no luck and cant bluff worth a damn. My compatriot can say differently for himself.
After leaving I was very late for Relapse, oh boy, chewed out by the MC… nope… seems the comedians had went on their own field trip to another comedy club so no one was really there. I ended up sitting with Noeh and Charles talking about liquer. Talking about liquer turned into actuially mixing a couple of ideas. I only payed for one drink but I ended up being plastered. Disgustingly drunk. I should not be drinking at all with getting back on meds on a regular basis. Tax my liver, I dare you!
I think it strange that I drink I talk way more about what I am feeling, how I am treated and generally being emotional. I cant do that when sober. To quote Hoyt "Ever the Analytical Mage"
Whats so bad is I left Hoyt in the dust when speaking about religion in relation to the Jungiian concept of the Collective Unconciousness. Sam the jew only was mildly phased but still didnt get the concept. But I dont expect a Hassid to understand basically Modern Age Metaphysics. And yes I was still drunk going over physics, Jungian concepts and religion.
Once I got home I had just locked the door when the downstairs neighbor calls me and asks if I have condoms. I do and I would rather have people safe so I grab 2 and meet him at the door. He wanted to come in. No.. I dont let people in my house that I dont know well. PERIOD. He doesnt get that. Besides I really wanted to sleep at that point, drunk had worn off and Seroquel was taking over.
Today I just did the paying bills thing and went home. Talked to the MaDScientist briefly on the phone, seems he has developed a stalker. Part of me wants to laugh nad another part is concerned. Well when he started to rant I thought I had said something or done something wrong. No, just venting. I confessed that at times its hard not to call when having that off day or just feeling lonely in general.
I am being hypersensative again.
But I do feel alone most of the time and with this needing a security blanket means I am reliant on others to get me out of the house.
Yup, hermit/dweebiness ensues.
Celibacy is a bitch. That would make me feel a bit better I believe.