Greatest.. Not

I am still not feeling the greatest and I have to be somewhat perky for tomorrow, I promised at work. 

Perhaps I wont be on the verge of screaming at customers and wanting to blow their heads off.  Its a start. 

I won 2nd at poker again going heads up against Jim but well I dont expect much ever going.  Those people at times can be totally insane.  Wed was also a 2nd place finish, at least that is something. 

Bridge was fine (although I didnt play I was on Guitat Hero II) and its strange how deep my geekiness goes. 

The best thing of the week was on Thurs when I got cuddled and felt a bit more like a human and got to talk a bit and be a little adored I guess.  That is the feeling I got.  I explained my feelings that I promised myself that I would not take a bullet by my own hand till the age of 32 and my companion stated.  "Make it 42, you still have a lot to learn"  I sometimes think I have already learned enough.  I didnt promise them anything but it did give me more to think about. 

My thinking is to sit down with my life, look at progress in the past 5 years and the future prospects.  What I want is my education, a career that isnt more than a trained monkey that I can enjoy and having my head on straight.  The Personal aspects should fall into place with those in place.  It is the tangible reality that I wish to base my decisions upon, not the emotional.  I may feel like crap but that isnt a reason.

So far I have made progress in my life with my head and my career, if you want to call being a trained phone monkey that.  Education is a zero, save for my voracious reading.

Future, I have not the money to go back to school and the career follows the education.  My head is degenerating and perhaps I do need to see the shrink and get that back on meds that are working.  I hate taking pills everyday and now that I am shaking again and the panic attack it makes me leary of the future.   Overall the prospect of the future isnt too bright.

But then again I believe that suicide is like abortion, my body, my choice.

I need to get cracking on the cleaning thing again, but I dont have the energy or drive.  I do need to do something.

Overall I am existing, I am making it.