Friends

There are things that do not change, no matter what the situation or the timing.

I am not a person that takes change easily, nor do I trust easily.

friend  /frɛnd/ Pronunciation Key – Show Spelled Pronunciation[frend] (Dictionary.com)
–noun

1.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.
a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: .

3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile:

4.
a member of the same nation, party, etc.

5.
(initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

–verb (used with object)

6.
Rare. to befriend.

—Idiom

7.
make friends with, to enter into friendly relations with; become a friend to.

To me this is not a term, it is a title, something given with great reluctance and with tremendous trust involved.  I can only count three people in my life as of current that I would call friend.  There are others that are not in my life right now, but carry that same title, but I do not see them or they are disallowed to see me.  I shall name names later but I am coming to a point.

Trust is a factor for me the time it takes to gain that trust is ardous and painstaking.  Most people when confronted with a cynic like myself are apt to fade away rather than attempt the task.  I admit it is my past filled with so many disappointments, betrayals and manipulations that have caused me to be so cautious with how I give trust.

With that said my friendship means that you have me for the long haul, a lifetime, no matter what I will stand by that person without doubt.  When ill I will drop whatever is humanly possible to be there.  As was the case this past weekend.

I tend to mother and caregive to a fault, I want to protect and guard with zealousness that seems irrational.  This is because I *fear* loss, to me a friend is more like family than anything else.  My friends can share my deepest thoughts, dreams and wishes without fear of judgement or retribution.  Whether or not I agree is another story, I will still back them even if I believe they are wrong but I will tell them as such.

Two friends were ill this weekend, one had hernia surgery then things swelled that should not have swelled (it was deemed fluid retention and was ordered to bedrest) and the other with a heart that decided to go pitter patter in the wrong way. 

I felt torn, I felt lost as I did not know which direction to go, should I stay with one or go to the other.   I had to make a decision, and it ended up being made for me, my moment of indecision was handled with a few words.

Gods, why could I not decide?
Mother Hen syndrome…

Ended up being alright on both counts but I still feel guilt in ways.  Its like I was Soloman with the babe for some reason, but it was me that needed to be split.

My Friends are so precious to me, I would rather die than see them hurt or in pain. 

People think me stange that my Friends currently are all male, the vast majority in my life have been male.  So Blood, Maggot and MaDScientist, you all have something that many people would take for granted, my heart.

People have always wondered about me, wondering how I can so many male Friends and yet be platonic the majority of the time. 

Love is a strange thing, it has shades and nuances that people generally do not tkae the time to examine.  I love my Friends, would go to the ends of the world for them, with no doubt of their intentions.  Yes, I do love each one of them, and parts of me in more ‘romantic’ ways.  I would never push for that kind of thing, it would be impolite to even fathom asking.

Yes infatuation comes with that love, but it grew from friendship, trust and communication.  But I will take what is given willingly and even if part of me screams for something more I do not ask, I let myself be known and leave it at that.

To those I can not see or talk to
I Love You
Steven "Nikoli" – My Wizard

The first man I ever loved and lost.  The one that showed me that being loved was not abuse.  The one that brought me to life.
Jay "Dehvyn" – My Demonic Angel

The one that showed me my dark side, showed me my own strength to battle my deamons.  My Graveyard Tour Director.
Chris "Vince" – My Protector

The name says it all.  Always there, always strong.
Anne – My Guidance

One that showed me light and love and unnerving strength.  Grace paramount and what it takes to be a real woman.
Amy C – My Concience

Beauty amongst the wastes, adversity given way to hope.  The best fashion sense when coordinating with a wheelchair.  Closet morphine addict and comediane.
Rich S – My Twin

What else can I say here?  Mustard is better than ketchup.
Scott – My Lost

You showed me that I am something worth while.  Rest in Peace my dear.