3/18/07

I deleted my previous entry because well.. somethings need to be kept quiet.

I went to poker on Thurs and bounced out at 12th.  Real bummer cause that pot was FAT.  It was more cutthroat than the norm so I should not feel bad.   Barring that there was one fella who was named Rainman (that and he lucks out constantly) and then another that went full tilt on us so my mindset was affected greatly.  But all in all I just have myself to blame.

I will admit confusion afterwards but again it related to the previous post.  I hate being confused. 

("Mine"
 
Thinking "For as long as you will it to be")

Friday I went and hung out with the Bridge Boys again.. and I will elucidate.. the Bridge Boys consist of Blood, Wheel and well I hate coming up with names so I will term him as Fred.  Now granted the other player many times is Nor.  When one of them (namely Fred or Nor) is not around I sit in and try as I may to learn the game to some degree.   I am still in the process of learning and according to Wheel and Blood it will take years  (And I believe it!) to gain any kind of profeciency.     I do believe Fred was getting frustrated, but then again he is used to playing with seasoned players rather than the novice.  Well, better than nothing.  Besides, I have cheat sheets for some of it.

All in all it was alright I assume and was out til 3am before getting my tookas to bed.  Up for work at 8am and came home to crash.  I awoke later feeling a headache, so all I did was eat and go back to bed. 

This morning was worse, my head was screaming, the top feeling like it was being pried off.  Welcome to PTC whatever you want to call it.  I go to the gas station for morning essentials and my car will not start.   Great, head screaming and now the car wont go.. lucky me.  I called work and let Ter know 1. the car isnt cooperating and 2) I am not feeling well.  I told her I was trying to get in but may be late. 

Finally I got the car started went to work (on time at that) and even my boss looks at me and asks "Are you going to be alright on the phone?"  I told her "For as long as I can"

I left at 11a, 3 hours after getting to work.

Came home, slept a lot then woke with some of the pressure off.  Well I can see again.  Now I am here posting because well I feel like I need to. 

Men confuse me.. I heard from Dehvyn again with his response to my earlier letter about why he can no longer speak with me,,,

The original letter (dated 2/14/07)…..

"10 years gone. So much for the promise you made me when I told you what your "brother" had done. I would wish to fight and tell you that speaking to me no more is stupidity but I dislike confrontations and well apparently *others* have made your mind up for you.

I cant change minds nor can I cause any kind of mending for me as I have no context of why you would be as cruel as Nikoli, as vile, as you put it yourself. I would gander to say. Brothers to the bone.

And I just can’t understand or be given an answer. I dont think you would give me that courtesy either.

So few people I actually call ‘friend’ and two have literally abandoned me with no reason save to make sure their significant other is well pleased at their willingness to throw others away like rubbish. Is that all I was to you?

I’ll probably never know.

I suppose this is my way of fighting for the friendship we had. Although I have been crying all day I should have known better those that I have loved (both of the romantic and platonic) have always been my undoing.

Funny, just because I have ovaries makes me a threat. Gods know I would do anything to insure your happiness as long as I could remain a friend. But that means nothing now I must assume.

I will extend to you the same wishes I have for Nikoli and Danyyell.

Sabra"

This is what I received (dated 3/15/07)

"????? I can’t speak with you beacuse of the relationship that I am in right now… that is all… you find me crewl becuase I don’t speak with you … I honestly don’t know what to say … I hurt because I have hurt you … and for that I am deeply sorry … I wish I had the words to explain further.. and I will have those words soon.. but not right now… I am not throwing away our friendship… I just wish that I was not as weak as I am now.."

Isnt that special?  I wrote back (dated 3/17/07)….

"Yes, I am still very hurt and do not feel that much I would have said or will say will be of consequence.

Weakness is sometimes something we chose to have because it is the easier option. Comfort has its own allure.

When you have your words you can tell if you so chose but again it is not my intention to be of harm.

The ball remains in your court, my mail is open at xxxx@gmail.com, my phone is always on and my door is perpetually open for you.

I may not love wisely, but I do love fiercely.

Sabra"

And yes, he knows I love him in my own way, and he knows that way.  Just as I know even now Nikoli loves me even though the bitch of a wife will not let him talk. 

I still do not understand that concept, anyone told me who I can and can not speak with would find themselves booted.  Free will is a bitch.

For some reason I like and completely understand that last phrase "I may not love wisely, but I do love fiercely".  To me it speaks tomes in relation to my character.   Its honest, its brutal and to the point.   Loyal as a dog and cant back down even when you kick it repeatedly.