Greif is just love with nowhere to go

Hey Diary,

It’s been a while. Thanks to OD staff for putting all my previous entries on private. Sometimes you need a fresh start(even if that fresh start means lack of Diary Description HTML fun. I’m looking at you…. DiaryMaster).

In September I experienced the abrupt end of the relationship I was convinced would stand the test of time. I have spent the last couple months in a complete daze. More often than not in a deep pit of depression, and a soul crushing type of pain.

I loved someone for exactly who they were, and in the end, they chose not to love me back.

Naturally, I can logically understand that we as humans deserve someone who loves us completely. The hardest part for me, is that I’ve experienced this before. It was devastating and took me literally 5 full years to recover. This time around, I shared that life experience, I explained why I sometimes needed a little extra reassurance, and was ALWAYS met with “I love you, I’m not going anywhere” and “I’ll never be like him”. Yet, they ended in much the same way, a long term relationship, ended in a phone call, abruptly without ever saying there was a problem or giving the opportunity to address anything.

I asked him for an in person around a week later, because I felt I probably should have been given that courtesy in the first place. He “granted” me that. However it gave me no more concrete answers than I had originally, possibly left with more questions as he wiped away my tears by hand.

About three weeks post break up, I went on a short trip to try to center myself and while it was helpful in some ways, it was not in others, I found that the more experiences I had, the more I wished he was there to see it. This lead me to sending him a short message, saying that while I knew I wasn’t supposed to be the one to reach out, that I missed him and wished he could have been there to experience it together. I told him the message needed no response, and that I just needed to say it.

But he did respond, he asked where I went and said it was beautiful.

The next day, something not related to him and I happened that sent me into an absolute panic. And I quickly  realized the only person that logistically might know more about the situation was him. I knew that I shouldn’t be the one to ask him for a favor, but my headspace was overwhelmed(I’m not going to go into why, it’s too complicated to explain). So I asked him if he would be willing to meet to talk and I explained it had NOTHING to do with us.

I don’t think he bothered reading what I said though, because he reacted angrily. Rudely. Harshly. A 180 from 24 hours before. Told me he needed space, he was trying to move on with his life and hoped I would move on as well. That he has already given me a talk and that he thought that would have been closure for “this”. This….. you know, the year and a half I spent with him, trusting him, taking him at his word that he had never felt this way about anyone, that he loved me for who I was, trying to make sure we had solid communication to avoid a breakdown in the first place. “This”. It didn’t matter that I responded by trying to say again, this was NOT about us, and that if he wanted to move on, it shouldn’t effect that.

…and then he blocked me. Two messages back and forth. That’s all it took. No name calling, no blaming. We were two people without vices, without combative natures. And I just can’t tell you how utterly betrayed that made me feel. The cruelty. I never, not in my deepest fears would have thought that. He had been ghosted by women who didn’t see his worth after a date or two before we were together, and it cut him deeply.

I was ghosted by someone who said they loved me, who played the part, who I literally comforted by telling him no matter what happened I would never ghost him.

“I’m not angry. I am in pain. And you put me here. The person who was supposed to love me more than anyone else.”

The other day I made the mistake of looking through our photos, and the loss cut deep that day. It feels like they are two entirely different people. I deserved more kindness, I deserved someone who would have been honest, I deserve to have someone that would treat me with more dignity than immediately cutting me off. I understand totally that he also has needs. But I deserved to have someone at least meet me in the middle, especially when he knows my past, knows the pain, and is actively choosing to not care. It’s not as if I was in constant contact, or called or texted. Neither of us were abusive in any way.

“Do I want you gone from my life forever? No…..” is one of the things he told me when we spoke in person. Sure could have fooled me.

I usually don’t feel angry.  The last few days I’ve felt stifled and frustrated on top of sad. I have had a handful of dates since then(and no I’m not at all “ready” but I genuinely no longer have the luxury of time to wait to be ready). The latest one went really well, and yet I just got into my car and cried. Because it doesn’t matter how well it went. My heart is still elsewhere. With someone who seemingly couldn’t care less. And I will probably never understand why. The grief just hit me like a freight train. I didn’t and don’t want to be doing this.

Feeling like you don’t know what you are supposed to learn from this, when you can’t fix it. I was a good girlfriend, and a good partner. I think I was usually pretty attentive, fun, caring goofy and thoughtful.  I don’t know why that wasn’t enough for him.

I love you. I miss you. I wish you cared. I wish more than anything that you felt the same.