You want a baby??? Are you trying to knock me up??
I have spent nearly the entire last three weeks night and day (less work, the time before he joined me in Maine for Elle’s wedding, and a weekend while he was away) with Bailey. It has been great and lonely. I know when his mom gets back in town tomorrow I will hang around less, but the ending of this period aside – I have started feeling lonely while I have been with him. I still want him in my life…I want this a lot. The closeness we have shared the last three weeks and the reality that he is so far away and I can’t have him makes me lonely. Rather lonely in fact.
Tonight I checked out Jordan’s my space page that he has emailed me an invite to check out (Jordan – boy I dated for three years in high school/college. We broke up, remained friends, he married, still talk and he tells me he is mine anytime I want him despite his wife). Anyway JORDAN IS GOING TO HAVE A FUCKING BABY!!!!!!!!!! I am happy for him, but he has been opposed to children in any conversation I have ever had with him. So I commented to Bailey my surprise. He said to me that I shouldn’t be so surprised and no one should be surprised when they do things that make babies. I laughed at him and asked him, “do you want a baby right now?” I fully expected him to say “No” or “Hell NO” or even “HELL FUCKING NO” Then I could have proved my point that he and I do plenty of things that could make a baby but neither of us are planning on a baby. BUT NOOOOO….he says “yeah, I kinda do” WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!??????? I just laughed and asked if he was trying to knock me up. He laughed and asked “why are you pregnant?” I joked that I was and about the same time we started joking about needing to know if it was time to kick me in the stomach…(no offense to anyone, he never would…it is just a sick joke! J)
My gosh all night I have been blown away. It is all I can think about. There is no way want a baby right now and I don’t think he wants to go and knock me up to have a baby. But he is no where close to place in his life where a baby would fit it. He is 31 and probably thinking that time is ticking…but he needs to make some serious decisions to put himself in a place conducive for having a child. I would never have a baby out of wedlock…I don’t plan on getting pregnant anytime soon. I wouldn’t even promise that if we married tomorrow that I would be ready for a baby anytime soon…gosh I don’t know if I would ever be ready. But, if he would realize how wonderful and special I am and just wake up and realize how awesome we are together…maybe we could get started towards our future. I want to live with him. I want to take care of him. I want to be his girlfriend (again) and someday his fiance and then his wife. I want all of those things. I don’t have much (any) hope that he’ll change his mind…but WHY WON’T HE??? I totally love him and want to be with him. It is so lonely and frustrating without having him even when he is part of my everyday life!
NO BABIES RIGHT NOW THOUGH!!!