too much new stuff to fit in this one entry
Yeah so lots of new stuff.
Work – I didn’t get the assistant manager position. Sucks, but I got really good feedback. They went with a guy who was internal to that department and knew all the department programs….I can’t compete with that. I did learn that it was between 3 of us. I went up against people with 25+ years of experience and blew them away. The hiring manager told me he was very impressed with me. He wants to keep my name in mind and not to be surprised if he emails me at some point to suggest I apply for another position. I couldn’t be happier about not getting a position….great feedback and the knowledge I couldn’t have done any better….I just can’t c ompete with an internal candidate if that is what they wanted. I did apply for the analyst position. I am hopeful….and I found out the analyst one actually pays more!!!!! YIPPEE!!! I need more money. Which leads me to….
Home – Yeah where I am living is not going so well. Morgan confronted me and wants more money and for me to be a cleaning slave in the house….yeah not going to happen. I have a good deal here paying $350 a month flat. I know it is a good deal, that’s why I have put up with her bullshit for so long. I figure it is good for her too because that is $350 towards her morgage…towards her investment. I don’t get anything out of it in the end – she does. So she never came out and said how much more she wanted, but she said that $350 wasn’t enough and she needed me to split utilities. I normally could split utilities, but I still don’t have cable in my room…that was requested how many months ago???? I cringe, without paying electricity, everytime she leaves the TV, radio, AND/or both TVs on for the damn dog. Doesn’t stop him from being bad…but Morgan is convinced he will be less lonely. Wacko! And the lights are always left on….heat/a/c left way too high/low. I am not usually uncomfortable (maybe a little cool in the AZ summer….which is just wrong!) but I could be comfortable and keep the heat/a/c at a more economic setting. I haven’t been paying all of these – but I certainly can’t start and die when I see the bills! I also can’t see paying as much to rent a room, essentially, then I could to live in a small studio ALL BY MYSELF!!! So I started looking. And I do believe I found a place. I can move in Jan 1 or Feb 1….I was just assuming Feb 1….but have been thinking Jan 1 would be so awesome….I am going to look at my budget and figure it out this weekend. It is a very small stuido – completly remodeled – just big enough for my bed, tv/entertainment stand, desk, and clothing/dishes etc. Morgan knows I am looking – but I haven’t told her I have found one yet. I will tell her when I know for sure the date…and Jan 1 will be a shock to her I am sure! It’ll probably be Feb 1…but I can’t wait! My own place again – no roomate – no dog – my very own bachelorette pad…which brings me to…
Bailey – Same old shit there. I am getting a lot sadder. I really love him and want to be with him. We haven’t rediscussed anything. It just is status quo. No one really knows, with few exceptions. I don’t know what he is thinking. We haven’t had sex since the beginning of the month. We have hung out quite a bit – watching shows and flirting. Almost as if our relationship is back in the infintile stages of poking and hitting rather then just fucking. Yeah I know we need to talk again…maybe I just need to find a new man to help me get over Bailey. All I want for Chirstmas is Bailey and things to be back to the way they were before. Completly um-materialistic. I just want him. And me. Together. Speaking of the uber-sad Christmas Holiday…
Christmas Blues – Bailey and his mom went to california to spend Christmas with his sister. I am still in Arizona hating life. Working on Christmas. I volunteered hoping ot distract myself from the lonliness of this year. I don’t have Bailey…which was the only thing that got me throught the holiday away from my family last year. I don’t have my family because I decided to stay here…thinking my parents were flying out this week….but they came in the beginning of December and it is hardly a substiture. It doesn’t help me miss being with them at the family holiday party tonight…opening my gifts and spending time together tomorrow. Playing cards…watcing all my nieces and nephew open their gifts hungry with Christmas spirit. I am so depressed knowing I am missing all of this. Fucking sucks. I say every year that I need to go home for Christmas – and I never do. Next year, barring a boyfriend situation I need to stay for (what the fuck…even then who cares!) I am going home. I just have to. I can’t stand another year alone feeling so shitty! Speaking of shitty…
My real mother….I don’t even know if I can deal with this issue right now!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is such a bitch…claiming to be the victim to my father – telling my brother’s girlfriend it is my fathers fault we don’t have much/anything to do with her. What about her own resposibility…her husbands????? I really can’t do this part now – it’ll get me too wound up. Simply she is a bitch…and I have decided she is NOT a part of my life from now on. I don’t want her at my wedding (when and *as* if) I don’t want anything from her, I don’t want to invest any time into her, I don’t care if we never talk or see each other again. I am sure we’ll have to see each other at my brother’s wedding or a graduation of a niece/nephew….but at this point I hope I never have to. Bitch, cunt, die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am supposed to hang with Dawn and her family today. I am excited to give Dawn her gift….but I am not really into hanging out with her and her family. I just want to curl into a ball in my bed and cry and read and sleep and be sad. Putting on a face right now is almost too much. The stress and hurt is in my head…a huge migrane. It sucks. I am going to go to Dawn’s…eat…put on a small face and then come home to my own misery.
I hope everyone has a great holiday!!!!!!!!!!!