Things that make me feel grounded and safe

My therapist asked me to make a list of things that made me feel….I forget her exact words…but in essence, things I felt I could rely on, things that made me feel grounded and safe.

I spun out for the better part of a week and a half as I thought about this. She told me it could be a person or a thing. It could be my house, or it could be as simple as my morning cup of coffee. I am 100% confident I over thought this. But, as I laid, blissfully, in Eric’s arms, doing mostly nothing but, thinking, deeply, and peacefully, last night, I think it came together for me.

Initially, nothing felt safe, because it all felt contingent and built like a house of cards. Fragile, and like it could blow over at a moments notice. Or stacked together like dominos, and all it takes it the first one to fall….and every domino that felt secure is gone.

A lot of this comes from my marriage dissolving. When I got married, I married for forever. I married with the belief that you work on it and short of abuse, you make anything work. Forever. Having that core belief shattered, I don’t know what I can believe in anymore. I have a great relationship now. Not without fault or issue, but it’s pretty damn wonderful. When I think of things that are secure, there’s Eric, there’s our beautiful home, our ability to provide for our needs and most, if not all of our wants. But, all of that, is dependent on my continued relationship with Eric. If something were to happen, if he were to cheat on me again, to decide tomorrow he was bored of me, or that I didn’t fit into his future, than the center of my security is gone, and with it, all the dominos fall. This house is his. Nearly everything in it is his. I have things, but no furniture or much to make a new home. And what is here, I would have to spend endless amounts of time sorting through his and my comingled belongings to pack up. I have some savings. Thankfully. But it hardly seems substantial when I imagine needing to secure a home, move (probably cross country again), purchase a bed, linens, furniture, etc. And hold down my job in the meantime. He also owes me a considerable amount of money if we were to dissolve our relationship tomorrow. I have reasonable certainty he’d make good on that, when he could, but that he doesn’t have the ability to just pay me that in a lump sum tomorrow. And that creates its own kind of fear and anxiety. All of that to say, that what I saw as something I could rely on, when I took it a step further, felt like it was built on a house of cards and I could no longer depend on it.

As I examined it further last  night, I realized, I can’t live in the future like that. I am not planning for the failure. I can do the best I can to set myself up for success, should the unfortunate happen, and I need to support myself outside of this relationship. But, today, right now, I can rely on him. He is my comfort. He is the one I want to hold me. To be next to me. To be my partner. And in this moment, right now, we are okay.

I would also count my parents as people I can rely on. I have incredible friends I would add to the list – Andi, Courtney, Nichole and Kendra. There are others like Allison I could include as well.

I am fortunate to have a significant savings – more than 6 months of bills should I lose my job. Enough to get me going should my relationship not be successful.

I have a job that is currently stable and provides adequate income for me. It allows me to work from home and offers some flexibility.

I may have health issues, but I have decent medical insurance and the income to seek appropriate medical treatment as needed.

I have the ability to travel often. I love travel. I am not as wild about New England and being in the cold/seasons/away from those I love – but being able to travel often is a blessing.

I have an education and marketable job skills

I am smart

These are all things that make me feel grounded and safe.