The letter I can’t send
To all of Matt’s family and friends,
There is so much that happened in our marriage that you didn’t know or witness. I protected Matt. Probably more than I should have. When we were married, it felt like my job to ensure his failures didn’t become OUR failures. I rooted for him. I supported him. I encouraged him. I begged for him to get help when it was needed. I stayed. Even at the darkest of times. Even when life was hard. Even when I wasn’t my happiest. I stayed. I continued to be the best wife I could be. I learned so much about addiction, about an addict, about Matthew. I was young and naïve when I met Matt. Matt told me, with more honestly than one probably ever should on a first date, that he was an addict in recovery. He had been sober for 1 year. He told me that the Matthew 1 year prior was one I would have walked right past, someone I wouldn’t have given the time of day to. I fell in love with a vibrant, joyful, larger than life man, who adored me. I heard the stories of his past, I heard about the pain he’d caused his family, but I didn’t know that man. The man I met was someone different, someone changed. He was comfortable around other people drinking. He could work around narcotics. He could help people in their darkest of times. And he felt free from his past. I never imagined that his demons could resurface. I was young. Naïve. So, so, naïve.
The first time Matt relapsed (there were so many times.) I didn’t know the warning signs. I wasn’t expecting it. I was blindsided. I don’t recall now how long it had been going on before it was completely obvious to me, and I may not have known at the time either, because Matt when he was using was a liar. It was unnerving how he could lie right to my face. He could be slurring, high, drunk, unable to walk a straight line, and he would maintain he was sober. He would look me right in the eye and tell me I was crazy. In later relapses, he would gaslight me in unbelievable ways. He would tell me that he understood I had been hurt by his relapses before, but he was sober, and he wouldn’t lie to me and tell me he wasn’t sober just to make me feel better about the situation. He would encourage me to go to my own meeting or see a therapist. I will say this. I never accused him of a relapse that was not true. And eventually the truth always came out. But even as the truth came out, Matt was the victim and I was to blame.
There were times that I said “I don’t think you have relapsed, but I am concerned about some of your behaviors. When we were in therapy together you asked me to point these things out as they are usually precursors to your relapses.” He didn’t relapse every time I said/observed something like this (at least not to my knowledge.) And most of the time, he still told me I was crazy and worried about nothing, even when, unchecked, it did later lead to a relapse. I learned that addicts aren’t just addicted to drugs and alcohol. Drugs and alcohol are a mask, a poor coping mechanism for other issues in their life. A person without substance abuse issues, can also use drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism, and never spiral out of control. So clearly there is a a difference. But the addict, never learns healthy coping mechanisms and often has issues with more than just drugs and alcohol. When Matt would isolate, play video games 24-7 when not working, binge eat, lie about money, obsessively post on social media (like 20-30+ posts a day) and get into drag-out fights over politics on social media….I knew he wasn’t healthy. If he continued these behaviors, unchecked, a relapse was inevitable.
Matt’s most recent relapse started in the fall of 2021. I don’t know the exact date. Again, by the time it was obvious to me, I knew it had been going on longer, but he was never going to tell me how long. At least October 2021 – but I would guess months before that. Matt had a pattern. He felt like he could try something innocuous that “normal” people can do, and he’d be fine. He didn’t just walk out and smoke meth the first time. In 2016, his relapse and trouble with the nursing board started with taking Benadryl to sleep. Matt didn’t just take 1-2 Benadryl though. He would take 20. Multiple times a day. He would hide handfuls of pills all over the house. I remember finding Benadryl on the garage floor and not knowing where they had come from. After looking everywhere, I discovered that Matt had hidden the contents of a bottle into the pockets of his father’s golf bag. Where golf balls should have been kept, were handfuls of pink pills. From there was a slippery slope. I had prescription medication that Matt would steal from me. Many times over the years. In 2021 I discovered weed gummies in the downstairs bathroom that he used. I think this is how Matt justified it again. Weed is legal in AZ and many people he knew, his girlfriend included, used it regularly. For Matt though, he was not capable of casual use.
In this time period I expressed to Matt my concerns for his sobriety and potential relapse. I had been talking with him since the summer time about being concerned that his behaviors were leading him there. The summer of 2021 I told Matt that I didn’t think he had relapsed yet, but I was worried about how much he was working, how much he was playing video games, how he was isolating, and how he wasn’t doing the healthy things that kept him mentally well – he wasn’t working out, eating right, or seeing friends as much. Mutual friends even commented that he seemed off. When he did finally relapse, I learned that he told friends that I was crazy, he didn’t know why, but I was obsessed with his relapse, but maintained to them that he was sober. I presume he shared similar sentiments with his family. Everyone assumed that my past trauma with Matt’s relapse and suicide attempt, and the marital issues Matt spun, was why I was making up something that didn’t exist. In reality, no one else lived with Matt 24-7. No one else had lived through several other relapses. I think people think they were witness to his past relapses because they were by my and Matt’s side for 2 months in 2017 when Matt ended up in the hospital following his suicide attempt. I had incredible support of friends and family during that time, but what I think people don’t realize is, you all only witnessed his recovery. You didn’t see his dissent. You didn’t see the months leading up to that. You don’t know the warning signs. The lies. The mess. I know there are some friends and family who did know this Matt before 2008 when I met him. And if you did, please think back to that person. The person who lied. The person who cooked meth in his parent’s casita. The person who was homeless, jobless, couldn’t get sober for periods of time. The person who was estranged from family. This was, still, at times, my husband. I shielded this from the public the best I could to protect Matt. And to protect myself. But, it was still our life. Not our entire life, but intermittent, painful, chunks. And it was how we ended our marriage.
In Jan of 2022 I started discovering stolen prescription bottles from patients. Matt had already indicated his desire to end our marriage so he could be with another woman. He hadn’t filed or obtained counsel. I had consulted an attorney in December after discovering marijuana and hearing Matt’s intent to end our marriage. The stolen prescriptions brought this to a new level. I called the attorney, paid a retainer and asked how I could protect myself. It is what I had done our whole marriage, protect myself – but when Matt and I were married, I protected us both. There was no longer a we. I needed to protect me. I needed to know if Matt was arrested for another DUI, if he killed someone driving, if he made a mistake at work that resulted in a lawsuit or death, or if lost his job – any of this as a result of his using – that I wasn’t a party to it. My lawyer told me that as soon as I filed, I was no longer liable. I filed within days.
I continued to watch Matt spiral downhill. He would come home from work, high. I couldn’t say if he used at work or just on his way home. But it was starting to consume him in ways that I questioned if he could make it through his 12.5 hour day without using. He would sleep the entire time he wasn’t working. In part, he was probably exhausted from the hours he was extending himself. But, it was more than that. I knew how he looked, acted and behaved when he was using. He was using.
Hindsight. 20/20. When we went to our 2 sessions of couples counseling – one where we were making an effort (I thought) and the 2nd one the day after he told me he wasn’t willing to try any longer, I hadn’t been so keenly aware of his relapse. But in processing things later. His words, actions, how quickly he wanted to throw our marriage away and how he told everyone he “just didn’t want to hurt” me….he knew his relapse would destroy me. Even as he told me that he was a selfish, calculating man, taking after his dad, always steps ahead of me, and that I didn’t know what he was capable of….he was already planning his exit. Every action he took in those months; cheating on me and lying to me about it, hiding money, ending our marriage without much explanation, gaslighting me, gaslighting our friends, turning our friends against me – it was the drugs. It was addict Matt.
During this time, he was investigated at work. Possibly other people were too. But medication went missing during his shift. I was under the impression they figured it out or it couldn’t be proven to be him because he continued to work there.
It wasn’t until we had a consultation with a mediator that Matt found out that I knew about his relapse – or rather, I provided the evidence to which he couldn’t continue to gaslight me. Even in medication, I tried to protect Matt. I had no idea what would come up. I knew that I wouldn’t negotiate with him high, but I didn’t want to call him out. I didn’t want to put his license on the line if he was able to get help. I asked the mediator, in front of Matt, if she was a mandated reporter to the courts or the state – if what she learned during our sessions was private or if she was required to report any of it. She told us that if there was abuse or similar things, she did have to inform the courts. I didn’t want to explain the situation incase she did have to report it – so it was unclear to me if it was something she would have to report. But, Matt came home angry. Demanded to know why I asked that question. I told him. He began to deny his relapse. Again. Gaslight me. Call me crazy and not understand why I as so obsessed with it. I told him I had found the drugs. His face fell. Like every lie he had built had shattered. I was judicious in the information I handed him, waiting to see how he’d respond. And he offered me more than I even knew. He had been stealing my prescription medication again and volunteered that. I told him I knew about that part (even though I hadn’t known for sure.) I then told him about finding the weed and the stolen prescriptions. He knew he was caught and confessed to it all. He flushed everything with me watching. At least everything I knew about.
I wasn’t confident that it ended there, but I was confident that I needed to be out. And from there on, that was my focus. I don’t feel like when I moved out in April that he was sober. I can’t prove he was or wasn’t, but he wasn’t healthy.
I came back in July and met with him and the dogs at a dog park. He seemed okay. Not high at the time. He thanked me for calling him on his shit and claimed he was sober. He showed me an app tracker that counted his sobriety. It showed over 200 days sober. I didn’t believe. That would have been February and even in February I had seen him come home obviously high and I was finding drugs. I think it’s possible that he had a stint of time sober. But, not the time frame he tried to feed me. I’ve tried for months to figure out his motivation to lie about it and can’t figure it out.
His death. Here is what I know. Matt has attempted suicide before. In 2017 he was nearly successful. In 2015 he crashed drunk and high on the way to the desert, no shoes on, no wallet with him, having left a note that he planned to hurt himself. Before I met him, he made attempts. In every attempt I am aware of, he was active in his addiction. Never once, was an attempt because his depression bad, but he was sober and working his program. Matt has a lot of demons. He has, what he refers to as, “bad tapes”, which play in his head. They tell him he is not good enough, undeserving. His bad tapes are loudest and harshest when he’s active in his addiction. When he is active in his addiction, he will see things as black and white and he will avoid conflict by self-imploding. He is adverse to difficult situations and would rather end any pain rather than deal with it head on. He is incredibly intelligent. If the board had approached him with a complaint and he’d been currently sober, even though he’d relapsed in February (and before)….he would have volunteered to take a urine test, blood test and a hair follicle test. A hair sample shows SIX months of drug use. That was June. He told me in July he has 5 months sobriety already….if he had stayed the course, by December he would have had no issues providing any tests for them.
Matt chose to end his own life rather than face the consequences of the nursing board. Rather than deal with getting sober again. And in typical fashion, rather than saying “I fucked up and I can’t face this” he threw out some last minute blame and left the whole world pointing fingers.
Matt wasn’t a bad person. But the world didn’t get to see all of who he was. Please remember him for all the great memories and contributions, but don’t hate me and others because he left this earth gaslighting and pointing fingers.