So many updates…

It’s only been 10-days since I updated, but it feels like 6-months of stuff has happened.

First, highlights. Then details.

1. Eric broke up with Leslie
2. Eric moved into a hotel in order to move out of Leslie’s house immediately
3. Eric put an offer in on the Murder House (as we have appropriately named it…) and his offer was accepted. He should move in within the next 2-4 weeks
4. I decided that given all of the above, Eric could plan a trip here over Labor Day. He will arrive late Saturday night and return Wednesday night.
5. #4 meant that Eric would buy a a ticket to the Yankees game my friends are going to on Sunday that weekend. Which, as a reminder, Miguel and Mike are also going. I invited Mike. Miguel just planned to go (after he
6. This list is somewhat out of order, but #6 definitely came after #5. Eric and I decided to date exclusively. SOOOO many feelings on this.
7. I tell Mike about Eric. It goes over a little poorly. I still have guilt. I have to hold onto the knowledge that I was always honest and upfront.
8. Eric and I can’t stand the idea of waiting a month to see one another. I book a ticket to leave this Sunday. I’ll stay in the hotel with him for 5-nights. I am beyond excited for this trip! The first time I have seen him since CA in June…and literally the first time we will be together, committed, no outside partners. I will be with him, as his, not the other woman!
9. Eric tells me he is falling in love with me. And I can’t deny that I feel the same.

Other things I want to note. Most days now, Eric sends me a song to listen to. I want to keep track of these songs always because I am continuously filled with so many emotions listening to them. How he continues to just NAIL the moment, is beyond me. I never imagined how loved I would feel listening to songs he’s picked out for me. It’s a fantastic way to stay connected while we are apart. It’s also a long ways from the first song he ever sent me (at least the one I remember most vividly!) It was June 20th. We were awkwardly nearing the inevitable end of “whatever we were” and things were anxious and muddy. He sends me Gladys Knight & The Pips – If I Were Your Woman. I listened. And again. And stared at the lyrics. He’d never sent me a song before. What was he saying?

If you had the strength
To walk out that door
My love would overrule my sense
And I’d call you back for more

If I were your woman
(If you were my woman)

Life is so crazy and love is unkind
Because she came first, darling
Will she hang on your mind?
You’re a part of me
And you don’t even know it
I’m what you need
But I’m too afraid to show it

Oh yeah, if I were your woman
Here’s what I’d do
I’d never, never, never stop loving you
If I were your woman
You’re sweet loving woman
You’d need no other woman

“It took me awhile to respond. I ?? the message. And simply asked “is that what you are listening to?” I wanted to yell WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SENDING ME THAT FOR???? His response was “I was at that exact moment” And all I could muster after was a smiley emoji. The day after that I told him I couldn’t keep doing it. He was making his decision to stay with Leslie, and I had to set my boundaries.

Since then, the songs have gotten a lot better!

(not in order…)

Trey Songz – More than that

Ella Mai – Break My Heart

Ella Mai – Trying

Leven Kali – Perfect is Boring

Usher – Good Kisser

En Vogue – Giving Him Something He Can Feel

 

He also sends me messages sharing his feelings….and I swoon. It’s fascinating to me. We talked months ago about love languages. Giving and receiving. His 2nd wife was a Words of Affirmation person. He said it was difficult for them because that stuff didn’t come naturally to him. He said he would share how he felt, but it was too much for him to have to constantly validate her. I tried asking him more about this recently. I can’t figure out if he is just more expressive with me, or if her needs were much greater. I don’t think I have ever received so much verbal affirmation before. He did say she wanted to hear often that she was beautiful (and the like). His messages aren’t validating my appearance – mostly his feelings for me and what I bring to the table. He does tell me when my dresses are HOT and asks to see them in person…so there is some validation there. I don’t require it like she does and I can understand the difference if she needed something more/different. But, this is all I need, and more!

His woke up this  morning to “I don’t think that I have ever wanted someone as much as I want you”

Other messages include…

I need you to understand that you mean a lot more than SEX

I always want you to be my lover and my friend, a separate person for me to love, to sexualize you…

Ryanne, I’m falling in love with you!!!

Making love to you is the last item on my list so can you please come here to help me finish it

I miss you and I would like to spend time with you soon!!!

I am ordering a coffee maker this morning so I can spoil you if you ever come here!!!

And misc stuff that means EVERYTHING. Asking to be on the phone (FaceTime) when I told my dad Eric completed his checklist (my dad only knows a checklist existed, but not WHAT!) Calling my dad (through me) for advice on his house purchase. Talking to my nephews on the phone with me. Connecting with my friends. He knows what is important to me.

Perhaps the most important thing happened this week. I almost cried. And I definitely fell more in love with him. My sister’s husband is an asshole. Verbally abusive and controlling. He is not the kids’ dad. My nephew recently stood up to Brian (husband) and yelled back “Why are you such a jerk to my mom!!!” And it broke me to hear it. Eric had to deal with his share of his mom’s asshole boyfriends and husbands growing up. And, it hurt his heart to hear too. He told me that the boys will always have a place to stay with us. We’ll have a spare bedroom and a pullout couch and they can escape to our place anytime. I still almost cry thinking about it.

He also said something else, surprising. I am not sure what to make of it. And I want to talk to him more about it. He said he would support me if I wanted a relationship with my real mom. And I was thinking about how I’ve never said anything about wanting that. I hardly speak of her, unless it’s maybe to reference my childhood or my siblings. I was quick and maybe abrupt to say “I would never!” He seemed taken aback and explained he thought if I lived closer maybe I would want to reunite. I don’t. But, now I can’t help but wonder if he judges me for it. (Something we can talk through either way.) We shape our opinions on our experiences. He has moved forward with his mom despite his childhood.  And he hurts when his kids hold his transgressions and past against him. So, I can’t help but wonder if he judges me?