Nope. Never. Again

Last night’s date with Josh, was a practice in…a lot.

As I had already figured out, he is a little odd. Very much an oversharer. Awkward. Just a lot. I don’t think I could see myself with him. Even before we got to the moment, where I shifted uncomfortably. My heart sped up. And, not in the good way. I had a minor moment of panic. Followed by a lot of rage. I have lived this  moment before. And a whole life. I got out. I won’t go back. My rage wasn’t directed at Josh, but more so at the matchmaking company that knew my hardline on this, and yet, there I was.

In my first phone interview with the matchmaking company I was asked, “what are your dealbreakers in a relationship?” I said “alcohol and drug addiction/issues. no heavy drinkers.” I don’t even know at that time if I said anything more than that. I thought about it more after, and I know what I am looking for and what are things I don’t want – but the drugs and alcohol are big for me. I met Matt sober and was so naïve at the time. I thought that him being sober meant sober forever. I realize for some people it does mean forever. But, I also learned that I have zero control over my addict. And I can’t handle the chance that they will relapse and upend my life. Been there, done that, earned that terrible badge. Never again. In my in person interview the topic came up again. I spilled my soul on what I went through with Matt in that interview. I was incredibly clear that I wouldn’t date anyone who has any past or present addiction issues. I won’t take the chance. I was reassured that no one passes their screening process with those typed of issues. Okay.

My first date with Matt, back in 2007, was one of a kind. Until last night. LOL. Okay, Matt was still pretty unique. Matt laid out all his drama, trauma, baggage, his past. He told me about his past addiction issues, that he’d been homeless, estranged from his family, but that he was in a different place, in nursing school, and moving forward. He said he wanted there to be no skeletons left in the closet. He disliked the idea of dating and peeling back secrets like the layers of an onion. On board with this refreshing way of being, I put everything about me out there, and topped it off, requesting we date openly, stating I couldn’t do monogamy. He agreed. And on we went.

While unorthodox, there is something great about it all being out there right away. No hidden surprises later to cause hurt feelings. You accept it all and move forward together. Or you don’t and don’t waste time.

Last night, we went a lot heavier than I expected to at a first date dinner. But, it was okay, because I didn’t need to feel guilty about not seeing him again. The topic of our marriages came up. We both shared just a little bit. And then a little more. I shared, just the tip of the iceberg of Matt having drug/alcohol issues as a catalyst for our relationship falling apart. And then, Josh volunteers that he had his own struggle with pain meds. About 10 years ago – he’s been sober 7 years. He was so far into it that he was stealing from work (he works in medicine.) He didn’t get caught. He counts himself lucky and also, it sounded like, “a good person” because he turned himself in to get help. He knows he’ll never relapse because he got the therapy he needed to deal with his underlying PTSD and he almost died and doesn’t want that to happen again. The more he talked, the quieter I got. Seething at the company for matching us when this was such a clear NO for me. This wasn’t something more superficial like height or looks for be to get past. This was a deal breaker. No double thinking it. Hard no. Deal breaker.

He mentioned before all of this, a recent occasion where he had drank some whisky and 12 beers and been so drunk he blacked out, and has only seen the photos of him wearing a tutu, but doesn’t remember anything about it. On one hand, sounds like a fun time! On another hand, especially knowing his addiction issues, sounds like a huge red flag. After he shared his addiction story he says “I only sometimes drink on occasion, but just one.” Like, he hadn’t just told me the tutu story 20 mins before???

He told me he cheated on his ex. And when he told her she wasn’t upset. And that’s when he knew it was over. And he left her.

He was making $10k a week during COVID working, at least for 6-months, but he quote “blew it all on myself.” He told me that “that’s just what guys do! We are stupid with money. We want something nice, so we buy 3.” No, that’s not a guy thing, that’s an addict thing. I know, I was married to one. He may not have taken a pain pill in 7 years, but he hasn’t dealt with his addiction issues.

There was so much that was unattractive about him.

It was the easiest, never again. Ever.