my stomach is in knots

I have a million things going on and I am freaked out and stressed out to the max.  I am in Pittsburgh right now for work – it is 0115 and I should have been asleep hours ago.  I have sooooo much weighing on me I can’t sleep.  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a few nights.

Bailey.  No, we are still not together.  No, I’m not happy about it.  I have been relatively okay with it since things between us have been pretty much the same.  Not as much sleeping over and touchy feely huggy kissy stuff – but we still talk all the time, hang out a lot during the week, and still have good sex – and still not as often as I would like.  But, it has still been fun.  I had hoped that I would be the first to start dating someone else – but I knew by not cutting our friendship off entirely 11 months ago (hard to believe it has been almost a year – sad when you think about how NOT over him I am!) I risked getting really hurt.  I really didn’t think he would find anyone – mainly because of his own shyness and introverted personality.  But, I think he might have found someone….someone even younger than me – she is 22.  She lives in California – his friend Jen introduced them.  They went out on a date I guess this past weekend.  He says nothing happened, but who knows.  He said they didn’t talk about anything more happening – but he is planning on going back there for Jen’s birthday in two weeks.  I am glad I know the truth (or what I am being told is the truth) but FUCK the truth hurts.  I know I need to go out and meet some new people – but with my schedule that is nearly impossible AND I am so NOT over Bailey.  I really love him in so many ways and it makes me cry that he doesn’t feel the same way towards me.  I am crying right now and I think this is one of the first times in 11 months that I have cried about this….seriously I was in so much shock in the beginning I didn’t really cry then.  Part of me wants to hate him for how much I care about him because it hurts me to not be able to have him.  I really want to call a friend up and talk but I know they are going to say or at least think "I told you so" – not understanding how I have put up with it for so long.  It is hard to explain – it isn’t like he has been mean .. he just doesn’t love me.  My friends will also say I need to go out and meet new people – but WHEN??? 

I have been feeling so fat and ugly lately I can’t stand myself.  I want to work out more – but WHEN??? Seriously I HAVE NO TIME!!!!!!!!  I used to always feel so secure with myself, even when I knew I was far from perfect or ideal, but lately I just feel so ugly and fat.  I know part of it is that I have no time for myself – no time to make myself look good with makeup and nice clothing – no money to do it either.  It is this impossible situation.

Work has been so crazy.  It doesn’t get easier.  I spend more and more time at work and feel less and less satisfied with my job.  I am in Pittsburgh this week – 12+ hours each day this week at work plus last night I was dealing with work intermittenly from my hotel room until 0100!!!!  Tonight only until 2300 – wow what a difference.  At home it isn’t any better.  I have a huge project that is being implemented HOPEFULLY this coming weekend – but all of the testing is failing and although the programming isn’t my fault….if this isn’t perfect somehow it will be partly my fault I am sure.  I have to work all weekend – just what I want.  I got on a plane Sunday to come to Pittsburgh – not a day off like it should have been and will be working through the weekend and holiday and all next week – long hours everyday I am sure.

I just started classes last week – I must be crazy because I started going back to school FULL time….yeah 10-16 hours a day at work wasn’t keeping me busy enough…now I am taking four upper level classes.  One so far has been so much work I am spending 2-4 hours a night on average doing work for it.  Another is race and ethnicity in American Cinema and I had to spend 3.5 hours just watching the movie – not counting all the reading and writing I have left to do.  Another class I have to have 220 pages read and responded to and a paper done for the first assignment.  WHEN???  I must be crazy – but I am committed to taking them and acing them.

Elle’s wedding.  WOW!!! where to begin.  To keep it somewhat brief I am having a blast helping her with all her wedding projects – but am not feeling the crunch for time and not feeling like I have enough time to help her.  Plus I am trying to plan a surprise bridal shower in Arizona on September 9th….yes the only weekend in two weeks that I don’t have to work.  BRILLIANTLY planned on my part.  I am stressed for money AND time to plan it.  None of the other bridesmaid are contributing any money.  Joe’s mom is helping some – actually she will probably save my but on some of it.  We are doing a tea party and I started having a personal freak out because I realized I didn’t have tea cups and sacuers for everyone – but Joe’s mom and sisters have more than enough…one les cost!  It should go wonderfully – I just have to find time to plan and money to spend….speaking of spending money on the wedding….Elle’s maid and maitron of honor (who were POOR choices – even Elle has told everyone that) are crazy.  One didn’t have enough money for gas to drive to Elle’s surprise shower in Maine….the other hasn’t contributed anything to any of the pre-wedding events….now they told everyone they were planning the bachelorette party and wouldn’t let anyone else help despite MANY repeated offers.  Now they expect everyone to PRE-PAY $70 (YES – SEVENTY!!) just for dinner and drinks.  There are 17 girls invited – if 15 show up – even if dinner and drinks and Elle’s dinner and drinks (divided 15 ways) is $50 that leave $300 for the incidential stamps and invitations and party favors that they are expecting us to chip in for….even though they couldn’t chip in for those things or anything else for either of the showers!!!  Besides dinner is at a pasta restaurant and Elle hates pasta!!!  Anyway – Lauren emailed Georgette about the money – a really nice email and Georgette flipped and called Elle and told her she was fed up with people complaining.  Whatever!  DRAMA – I HATE DRAMA and I really can’t handle it.  Elle being the totally unselfish one sent and email and said she would cancel her second photographer so she could pay for everyone and no one wold have to be inconvinenced WHAT THE FUCK!  So Gerogette called me last night and I mentioned that I was upset by the email and really hoped that Elle wouldn’t have to pay anything.  Georgette agreed but flipped out – even though I was nice and didn’t say anything mean she flipped out and called me a fucking bitch and a coniving sly fuckng bitch – and I stayed calm and tried to talk through it concedng to many of her ideas about the shower without being bitchy – and then she said something about me saying everying so sweet and not getting fucking angry….BINGO – she got really pissed because I wasn’t angry.  Well I was seething!!!!!!!  I barely know th

is girl  – people I know don’t call me a bitch and yet she felt she had the right to call me a fucking bitch several times.  There was a lot more stuff that she said that was truly awful. I am glad I stayed calm and didn’t say anything I would regret or if repeated to anyone I would be embarassed by.  I want nothing more than to call Elle and tell her how awfully I was treated – but I can’t do that to her.   It would hurt her so much that two people she loved didn’t like one another – I can’t do that before her wedding.  I can’t make any promise waht I will do after the wedding or what I will do if Georgette says something to Elle about it.  UGHHHH!!!

Before I left for Pittsburgh my car wouldn’t start.  It is still at my complex – it won’t start after a jump start.  I didn’t have time to find a garage and get it fixed before I had to leave for Pittsburgh….and I am scared how much it is going to cost when I get back!!!!!!!  I don’t know what I will do if it is too much money…well anything is too much – but more than a couple hundred I am going to freak and not know waht to do!

I am trying to pay off all of my way past due debt…I need to clean up my credit so I can move out of the ghetto I live in and get a nicer apartment – and eventually buy a house.

I have also been really stressed out missing my family – I wish they were closer.  I know I can get on a flight most weekends and see them, but it is too far to just drop in anytime.  I know I would be miserable living there as well though – I hate how cold it is and how little to do and how little opportunity is there.  Elle is planning on moving back to Boston in May – and Dawn is so busy and palnning on getting married in May/June….and now with Bailey maybe finding someone else….I have friends but I feel like I am going to be left all alone – and no time to meet new people.  I don’t know what to think, how to feel.  I am so stressed. 

My weekdays are filled with 10-16 hours of work, 2-6 hours of school work, and very little sleep.  When do I find the time to go to the gym, when will I meet people, when will I have time for me???  It is 0205 I am exhausted and wide awake in my hotel room…and I need to be up in 4 hours.  I am miserable.  I have had awful stomach problems, my stomach has a permenent pain in it….I am really nearing my breaking point.

I did get to go with Elle to Puerto Vallarta for a week the week before last…and we had a truly amazing and relaxing time.  But…one day back and the stresses started tacking on nulling any benefits from my vacation.  It didn’t help that I had Montazuma’s Revenge…stomach issues…for 10 days after…it was just in the last 48 hours that I have started feeling better – and even still I am having stomach issues related to Mexico and the stresses in my life.

I don’t know how I am going to handle it all and what I am going to do.  Seriously – I am at a real breaking point.  I need some really good things to happen to help me get out of all of this.