More songs

Last night Eric moved all his stuff into his new house.

He told me (asking first) that Jen was going to stop by, after they met up at her storage unit to get some of his things. I think if she’d been open to sex, he would have embraced it. She wasn’t. She was clear that she could do casual sex, but she wasn’t capable of casual sex with him. He knew that anything with her at that point wasn’t worth it.

Queengloom said something that had me curious. “Meanwhile, he jokes about having sex with his ex-wife who up to this point he was telling you has no interest in their sex life. Seems odd that she would potentially go for the sex and subsequently get hurt like he’s suggesting if their relationship was dead anyway.”

So I asked him. You’ve always described your sex life as mediocre and among the reasons you were dissatisfied in your marriage. What is the draw to have sex with her one last time if it was never that great to start with?

I asked it non judgmentally – just out of curiosity. He’d already seen her and nothing had happened, so it felt like he could answer it honestly and there would be no impact on what happened from there. He told me it was more about closure and because he could one last time. That when he originally thought about angry fucking her, that was the appealing part. And that if it could have been just sex, without any emotion, he would have been good with it. I asked, what if all the practice she’s had recently, she’s gotten good at riding a dick. What if the sex is no longer mediocre?  He swore it wasn’t possible. I insisted he imagine it was. He said it wasn’t. But just the same, it wouldn’t make a difference. That wasn’t the only issue. And besides, I’m falling in love with you.

My stomach did a somersault. I told him as much.

Later in conversation he apologized, expressing that he disliked how worried I must have been for the 3 hours or so between when  he told me he was headed to the house with Jen and when he called me after she left. It gave me pause. In the moment when he told me she was on her way to meet him, I had a little pang of “I hope they don’t have sex, but I am really okay with however this turns out.” And as fast as the thought came, it went. The movers were also meeting them at the house at this time to move all the stuff in. They weren’t alone during this time. At least not the entire time. And I went on when my day. I played games with my parents and went to my own storage unit to pull out my winter clothing (for Boston!) I don’t think I even thought about them during those 3 hours. So when he apologized, I laughed and said I feel like maybe I was supposed to worry??? Was I? He said he didn’t want for me to, but felt like I probably had, he felt guilty over it. I laughed again and told him This might sound weird, but honestly, I didn’t worry. I was busy and I really didn’t think about it at all. He was surprised, but happy to hear it. I explained to him that I trusted him. He’s given me no reason not to trust him. He communicated to me his possible intentions. I gave him my blessing, and I meant it. And I trusted he would make the right decision. He asked a really good question at this point Even if something had happened, would that still have been the right decision? Would you still have been okay? Great question! I explained that my trust is in him. He told me that if it was too emotional, or messy, it wouldn’t happen. I trusted he’d make the right decision for US. And that he was going to be truthful with me about it all. And, that faith, made me okay with how it played out. I didn’t need to worry and stress. I knew whatever happened, he was doing right by me. Because he hasn’t given me reason to doubt him before. I told him I will always give him that benefit of the doubt until he breaks my trust.

I woke up this morning to find a song in my messages.

Maybe I’m In Love With You 

Winston Surfshirt

Yeah, I was floatin’ for sure
I’ve never known a thing so pure
I’d like to think I don’t sink no more
And with the shade of flamingo (Flamingo)
For a while, she won’t get my lingo (Get my lingo)
Of all the faces you could perfect
I never knew you was an architect
Of all the places, who woulda guessed?
I woulda found I got it, now we are the blessed, sayin’

I don’t stop thinkin’ about you every day
I just can’t wait to show you everything

Maybe it’s true
Maybe I’m in love with you
Maybe it’s true
Maybe I’m in lovе with you

Hey love, how ya doin’, how your day goin’?
We makе a symphony, your love is like Beethoven
I’ll follow you across the seas and every great ocean
The outsider tellin’ Ponyboy to stay golden
They stay holdin’ on the grudges while we grow together
Haven’t felt like this since junior high, it’s like we go together
It’s better than I know myself sometimes
I know you’re spiritually inclined ’cause I felt divine
Across the room when I felt your eyes
I just started to melt, no wonder I fell right under your spell
See, the club the meat market for the single people
But in love, the beggar and the king are equals, uh

I don’t stop thinkin’ about you every day
I just can’t wait to show you everything

Maybe it’s true
Maybe I’m in love with you
Maybe it’s true
Maybe I’m in love with you

I don’t stop thinkin’ about you every day
I just can’t wait to show you—

Maybe it’s true
Maybe I’m in love with you
Maybe it’s true
Maybe I’m in love with you

Maybe I’m in love with you

💓

I am not as great as he is at finding songs. I often find some and then think, that just isn’t right…or 95% of the song says what I think, and then there is a random verse that is so WRONG, that it voids the song for me.

I found one today that really resonated though and felt like a fitting response to the one he sent me. So I responded for the first time with a song.

Every Kind of Way

H.E.R