Matt’s birthday

Today is Matt’s birthday. I guess it still is your birthday, even after you’ve died.

It’s been awhile since I have cried about him. Even in therapy. I’ve been more angry. Maybe even moved passed that a bit and just accepted where we are at. I have had a lot of emotions and most I have understood. I do think of him in some capacity, every day. And that sucks. I want to forget. I want to live my life and get through my day without him on my mind.

I knew all week, all month, that today was his birthday. We were together for 13+ years. And his birthday is 2 days after mine. I wasn’t going to forget. This week has been strange. Eric’s birthday is 2 days before mine. I moved into another relationship, sharing a birthday week – just two days in the other direction.

So while Eric and I made wonderful memories and had fun celebrations this week, today loomed over me.

I process payroll for our company and all week as I was dating payroll for 3.24.23, I thought of Matt each time. Today as I write the date on work documents, it’s on my mind. I woke up thinking about it. And then FB is like “oh hey, it’s Matt’s birthday today.” And he has an old livejournal account (we both did) – to which I received an email “wish Matt a happy birthday today!” I hadn’t taken it off my google calendar and google emailed me to remind me (in case I could have possibly forgot!)

My dear friend Kristi sent me a text. It was gif that said “sending hugs across the miles because I’m thinking of you, with Love!” And had two teddy bears hugging. No words were needed, I knew why she sent it. We proceeded to talk. She was gut punched seeing Matt’s birthday on the calendar. When she asked me how I was doing, I realized, I don’t know. I have emotions I can’t place. I want to hibernate today, but work is too much to really do that. Right now, I have tears streaming down my face. I have 13 mins until I have to be on camera for a work meeting. And frankly, I am not really okay today.