Long week

Eric and I managed a decent FL trip for Thanksgiving. I had my moments where it felt hard to not address the elephant in the room and I certainly made a few snarky comments. He was amazing. He usually is. My family loves him. Thanksgiving Day at Holli and Joe’s was wonderful – full of love and laughter. It was really nice to see my nieces for a full day and hear about what’s going on with them now.

It’s been difficult because Eric and I really haven’t had time since the infidelity bomb dropped to really talk. Small discussions here and there. We got home Sunday night and the work week started quickly for us Monday. He worked his normal 40, plus 4 details, plus training, plus an evening work event. So, he hasn’t been home much other than to sleep, change, and do it all over again. And even then, not for long. Over the last 10 days, I’ve thought a lot about my emotions and feelings. I did meet with my therapist Tuesday. It’s always helpful to talk it through with someone. She offered a couple interesting perspectives, but it’s not like it’s MY problem to solve – and I feel limited in solo therapy. Eric has reached out to the therapy group his insurance covers about couples therapy and we’re waiting to hear back.

Things that are hard for me (besides the fact this happened at all!)

How do we rebuild trust, because mine is pretty broken? I am not sure what will ever make me feel secure again. My therapist said, maybe Eric needs to relax his boundaries on his phone access. Maybe. I am doubting he will. But, I want to also get to a point that I don’t doubt everything he does. Even when he’s going to work overnight recently, in the back of my head, I think “is he really?” He does send me photos (which is not new, he always has done that) of what his work site is like, what he’s up to, etc. But, the cheating happened between shifts last time. So, nothing is fool proof. I do find myself microscopically inspecting the photos he sends….for example he did the same detail 3 days this week. And the photos were nearly identical, but I would look for something in the background (like the time and date on the clock in his truck) as proof that it’s a new photo. I don’t want to live like that!
It would have been difficult for this to happen at any time, but it happened when I was recovering from surgery. At a time I was pushing for intimacy and he was trying to tell me not to push myself physically. That he was trying to keep me for a long time, and there was no reason to rush into anything that could harm me. I was at an emotional and physical low point – he knew very clearly how I felt about having a scar on my neck. That I was trying my best to regain confidence after surgery (not with him, but in general), and THIS is when he steps out?
Since we have reconnected, he has shared his own theories on his past infidelities. And while I always was unsure if they were exactly true or not, and I didn’t condone his behavior, perhaps there was some comfort to his excuses. He and Jess (first wife, baby mama) ended up pregnant in college and just kept trying to make things work for the sake of the kids. He cheated a lot on her and claims he was never happy in that relationship, but he stayed for the kids. Jenn (second wife) he was faithful to throughout, up until the end when he was ready to leave and he exited the marriage in an affair. Leslie was the girl he exited his marriage with. He felt like that was a “grass isn’t greener”/”bait and switch” scenario. Intellectually they were well matched, but the sexual chemistry they shared the couple of months before he left his marriage was not the sustaining pace or cadence once he separated. He says she was who he wanted to be with in the daytime, but not the nighttime. He said that has always been in struggle. He can’t be authentically himself 100% – like with Jenn she would accuse him of being gross or inappropriate if she didn’t want sex and he watched porn to self pleasure. Jenn and Leslie didn’t like his sexually charged humor. In comes me. I have lived a life of poly/open relationships. I am open to discussing/exploring different dynamics with him. I am often make jokes more inappropriate than his! I don’t have any problems with masterbation or porn, so long as our needs as couple are being met. And often encourage bringing these things into our relationship. I have more solo play then he does LOL! I also can clean it up, go out, be professional and pass for a (boring) professional woman. He sells it as “geek in the streets, freak in the sheets.” He has said for awhile that I am the first girl who he wants to be with in the daytime and the nighttime. And he loved that he could come to me if he ever had desires. So why didn’t he this time? How come if he is happy with me and not looking to leave, did he fall back into the old behavior that he claims is only when he’s unhappy? He did somewhat explain why he didn’t approach me (not specifically about Cassie, but in general, his feelings of wanting to open things up) – he internally kept feeling like it wasn’t the right time with my health, and that he would keep telling himself “not now, later.” And it eventually felt like it would never be the right time, so he just did this.
Remorse. When he finally admitted he’d cheated, he did say the words “I’m sorry.” I believe once. But, I’ve yet to really feel his remorse. Or hear him say more than that. I don’t understand fully the what/why. He did tell me that it was a mistake and it wasn’t worth it. I don’t know what it is exactly I need to hear, but even in that moment, more words of remorse and contrition. Even a conversation – he does ask me how I am. But he always does. I guess, more of a direct conversation. We have had to sort of just survive, with how busy the last 10 days have been. When he is home for 2-6 hours, between work, I don’t want to bring it up and get us into something we don’t have time to finish. I do appreciate that he’s taking this whole weekend off (it’s his scheduled days off, but he committed to not picking up any extra shifts, without me asking.) Wednesday night, we were checking in with each other. He said his biggest stressors right now are our relationship and his promotion. We talked about his promotion for a second, and I seconded that my main stressor was our relationship as well. He said he was afraid of losing me. I took the opportunity to tell him that I needed us to rebuild trust (although I wasn’t sure how to do it), I needed to have the opportunity to share my hurt and sadness and have a better understanding of what happened, and I needed to hear his remorse, sincerely. I mentioned that it felt like he had put it behind him and we were just sort of moving on. He acknowledged that wasn’t the case, he knew I was still hurting, but that if I was having a “good day” or moment, he didn’t want to be the one to mess it up with a difficult discussion. I said that I understood that, as I also was avoiding the confrontation because he was always quickly leaving again for work/we were at my families/etc. and didn’t want to start something we couldn’t finish. Of course this is right before he had to go to work again, so we didn’t get any further than just sharing what I still needed and acknowledging that we had work to do. I am hoping we can really find the time to do the work this weekend.
What does he want our relationship dynamic to be like moving forward?
I feel like I deserved this. And that I always knew this was how it was going to be. I got into the relationship the wrong way. I did eventually set boundaries that I probably should have set from the get-go. And, I have always known this was a possibility. I am actually not surprised. I think that revelation hasn’t settled well either. 8/25/22 I wrote in here “I am trying to focus more intentionally on the present. Being in the present. Not to future trip. To enjoy the now. For as long as it lasts. And not worry about “forever.” If we have the most wonderful 3 months, 1 year, 3 years…or whatever….that time will be enjoyed. I married previously, for, forever. And I lost the enjoyment and myself at some point, as I focused too much on just getting to “forever.” Who knows if we will ever move to the same state. Or if we’ll survive to Christmas or celebrate another birthday together. I don’t say that because I particularly doubt it. Just, that I am trying not to focus so much on what comes next. I feel a little insecure still. Like I only know for certain my feelings. And he’s given me no reason to doubt his nor his intentions, but that I would be hurt if he suddenly wasn’t as “all-in” as I am. But, I am still trying to just enjoy the ride that I’m on. Be present in the adventure. Trust in the process.” I don’t know if that is just a new post-divorce mantra, or really just me figuring this is where we’d be. He also had sent me a song that day; Lions, Tigers, & Bears by Jazmine Sullivan. Listening to the lyrics today, they hit very similarly, but in an entirely different way. I sent him the song today. I don’t want to lose my friend. Or my relationship. Or myself.
Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense

Just ’cause I love you and you love me
It doesn’t mean that that we’re meant to be
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas

Most circumstances, I know my fate
But in this love thing I don’t get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in
They only wind up losing a friend?

But if we never try we’ll never know
It’s better to have loved than not to love at all

Not trying is worst than to stumble and fall
And if we do, I’d rather it be with you
‘Cause at least there will be sweet memories
Before this, I loved our relationship. We were building a life and future together. He has checked my boxes. I believe in the 80/20 rule. That the grass isn’t always greener. He offers me SO MUCH! But, I also have important boundaries for myself. And I don’t know where that line is. What can I put up with? What if I can’t ever trust again?

I do have wide swings of emotions. I haven’t talked to any of my friends about this – I could, but if I choose to continue to work on things with Eric, it’ll only make them dislike him and doubt our relationship. If I decide in 3 months, I am done. then so be it, let me make that call on my own. If I go through the motions to repair things and we do and last another year or three or more….then also, it will only be possible for me personally if those in my personal life are supportive of me and my relationship. It makes it lonely to go through this, but I think it’s the best way.

My friend, Nichole, randomly sent me flowers and cookies today. She lives in AZ, clear across the country. I think it was a post surgery cheer-up (although she did something similar the day before my surgery too!) But, nonetheless, it came on a low day, and I just balled opening it up. I needed it today. I miss my friends. I guess she knew what I needed today.