Life and depression

It’s been brewing for awhile now, but as everything has piled on, the last two days I have found myself in an epically large funk and depression.

I’ve felt similar in my past. I at least know the mired of things that have piled on to cause this crushing and crippling feeling. It’s officially blown past the constant anxiety that simmers at some level each day, to a more debilitating depression. I know it’s situational. And it’ll pass. But it’s really hard.

This morning my mom had a full hysterectomy to remove a large mass that was recently discovered. Testing while she was in surgery determined it was cancer. Typing and lap tests over the next three weeks will determine they type and stage. The dr is optimistic it was caught early and that it may be stage one ovarian cancer. But there are still some unknowns. Her biggest fear going into surgery was opening her eyes after surgery and hearing what the surgeon had to say. My heart breaks for both of my parents.

I am on a flight back to Boston from San Diego currently. I attended an amazing conference. I love attending this particular conference. Yet, I struggled to enjoy it as much as usual. One challenge I had was in hearing presenters in large rooms. I eventually learned to sit myself close to the stage, but for some sessions I arrived without that option or was invited to sit with people I knew from the conference and was stuck just not hearing. It caused me to internally melt down. Had I not already been so depressed, I may have coped better. But it was one more thing piled on.

Eric and I are still in the middle of our bathroom remodel. 2 months in. Demo work began 3/14. We moved into the hotel about 2 weeks after that. We have been living in a hotel for nearly 2 months now. It’s a fine hotel. But, it’s not home. We go back and forth to the house often. That is stressful. The house is a disaster and frankly not a place either of us want to be. I am completely overwhelmed thinking about “moving back in” and getting the construction dust cleaned up. We plan to hire someone for the dirt part of the clean. However, the house is just torn apart. The bathroom was taken out for the remodel. We are redoing floors in the kitchn and hall and have had to mremove everything from those rooms. To get to code the contractor had to vent the bathroom to the ceiling and cut the drywall open to my upstairs office, so that room is completely torn apart as well. And so much in between all of those areas is just a wreck as we’ve lived between the two places, meal prepping some at home, doing laundry at home, and transporting it all back to the hotel.

Financially I am stressed by the bathroom as well. Eric has insurance, but due to having to have the mortgage co-sign the checks, we have actually paid 100% out of pocket so far. We have also committed, personally, to upgrades that will probably add over $20,000 to the cost of the project (over and above what insurance is paying..) Eric hadn’t planned for any of this and while he’s paid for a lot of it on his cc, eventually spent everything from his savings to pay off the cc (we both pay off our cc every  month) and I’ve been sending his copious amounts of money to cover it all. Our deal is he’ll pay it back, with us splitting the upgrade costs. I have been so busy with traveling and work, I feel disorganized in my approach to all of this. I was walking to dinner with several lawyers this week xfering $16,000 from my account to his to pay off the most recent bathroom purchases. I need to take time to put everything in a spreadsheet. I need to freaking protect myself! It’s making me feel worse that I have done a poor job of it. I did get a little frustrated with him because I was getting onto the elevator to go to this dinner and I was asking him how much he needed. I knew what his cc bill was. I also knew we needed to order tile, we owed another installment to the contractor once the walls got closed in, and pay a few bills. I wasn’t sure if he was going to put the bills on his cc or if he needed additional cash. I also knew he had over $10k in checking. But I didn’t know what he NEEDED. He was very “whatever you’re comfortable with.” I think we are both on the same page that it’s a weird place to be and it isn’t clear and we both don’t want to have money mess us up. But I needed to hear “I need the $16k to pay my cc bill, if you can’t send me that much, it’s okay, but that is what I need.” I could send him the full amount, but there were too many variables for me to know if in fact he needed $20k, or if $10k was just fine too. We clearly need to have some more money chats.

I will say, of all the things going on and all the things stressing me out, my relationship with Eric is the strongest thing I have going and the thing I worry about the  least. He is so incredibly supportive. I called him and started tearing up yesterday explaining my stress and anxiety and fears. He may have tried to go into “fixer mode” a little too far. But, he is supportive, wants to help me, is there for me. I even told him as I left the airport today and was headed home that I was sorry in advance for how I am feeling and may act. He told me not to apologize and that we’ll get through it together, but appreciated knowing where I was at.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to my friend Allison’s kids’ bday party – about 45 mins away. ANY other weekend before this I would have been dying to go. I actually came home from my business trip early to be able to go. But, in this moment, I want to take some edibles and stay in bed all day. I am hoping I am able to motivate myself to do the right thing and go see my friend.

Last night I didn’t want to go out to my after work event, but I did. It was a party by the pool with a mariachi band. Open bar, pass horderves. Initially I didn’t see anyone I knew by the pool and walked in circles. Normally I would have found new people to talk to, but I couldn’t last night. FINALLY I saw two familiar faces. Two women I met a couple years ago at the same conference. They were chatting with 6-7 lawyers I didn’t know. I had NO problem socializing once I felt I “belonged.” I was chatting and fun. The lawyers invited me to dinner (along with the women I knew.) We had an AMAZING dinner provided by the firm at this wonderful steakhouse. Me, the girl, who before this year hadn’t touched red meat in 30 years, and still has only tried it less than a handful of times, had wagyu beef and lobster tail last night. OMG! It literally DOES melt in your  mouth and I LOVED it. We shared so much wine. Went back to the hotel bar and shared some more to drink before retiring for the evening. It was fantastic. And exactly what I needed. I needed to be distracted and out and about. It is probably what I need tomorrow too. We’ll see if I can muster the strength.

Allison has asked me to join Jr League with her and possibly serve on the board this coming year. I said yes to joining the group and maybe to the board. I have a meeting with Allison and the incoming President this week to decide if I can commit. I had my interview for CASA 2 weeks ago and it seems like I can start training in September. Official training. I am welcome to go to any events or monthly trainings prior to that. I am also singing up June 1st to take my advanced HR Certification and my employee is taking her first HR Certificati0n (both will be taken at the end of the year.) We will be able to study together. I also joined a book club in my area. I attended the first one in April – I won’t be around for it in May, but hope to get back in June. I am happy to have more going on around me and maybe to meet some people eventually!

Eric’s kids. Huge stress point for me. I think what I have figured out over the last week is that I have ZERO control over anything that happens in these dynamics. And I am not great when I lack control. The short of it, Eric’s relationship has been improving with his kids. Recently there seemed to be a set back. (Not so) coincidentally times with their mother (his ex-wife, Jess) having some hurt feelings about things in the past. Eric will always speak highly of their mother. He doesn’t bring their interpersonal drama to his kids’ attention. In my opinion, it’s how it should be. Even when it’s hard. She doesn’t play by the same rules. While Eric’s daughter was having it out with him and being angry about the past, she used exact phrases (on behalf of her mother) that Jess has just put into text with Eric a couple days before. That really ticked me off. And now his middle son won’t respond to his text messages or return his calls. All timed the same time his mom got her feelings hurt. Jess figured out a long time ago that she can only hurt Eric through the kids. It’s as low as a human can go in my opinion. She hurts the kids too in the process, but doesn’t see it. Eric regrets some of his past decisions. I dislike some of his past decisions. But they can’t be changed now. He can only do better today and every day forward. He is amazing with personal growth. Even when I recognize opportunities to do better with his kids, he sees it, and chooses to make that effort and do better.

Part of the stress pile I have right now is seeing all these interpersonal dynamics and not being able to help or control it. And, all I can do when I hear about the past and what is current, is compare it to my relationship with my real mom. It brings up a lot and I struggle with those feelings. I struggle not to compare eric to her – even though they are so different. I guess more aptly, I struggle not to give his kids a pass for how they feel because I get protecting yourself from hurt, even if their hurt is different.

I also had friends post pics and comments about Matt this week and it didn’t help. I vacillate between getting stuck in the good times and dwelling on the bad. I compare today to the past. I question who I am. Am I who I am supposed to be. Am I living my future or am I on a layover? Was the last 15 years my past? Was it the  most significant part of me? Part of 20s. All of my 30s. The start of my 40s. Or was that just a  blip to the best to c0me?

How will I get out of this depression? I am not suicidal, but I have intrusive thoughts that haunt me. They bring Matt in. Which only makes it worse. I am on the verge of tears, a giant ball on my throat all the time. I know the things to do. Eat healthy, sleep normally, work out, socialize. Doing them is different. I have been eating terribly. Overeating to try to numb myself. The result of that will do so much more damage. I need to real it in. I haven’t been working out consistently. Again, the impact will bring more physical pain, and make the emotional pain worse. I feel so stuck in my feelings. It’s an advantage to know the cause. Know how to get out. Why can’t I? I am so loved. So supported. I have the tools. Yet I am so stuck at the moment.