Fuck

There’s so much to say

for another post, I had a right sided thyroidectomy two weeks ago, 11/8. I’m healing. I finally have some energy back the last two days. I took two and a half weeks off work. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I go back to work Monday. I think I’ll be physically capable of it. I’m not sure I’ll be exactly ready though lol!

il currently on a flight with Eric to FL. We are staying with my parents. We are going to Holli’s tomorrow for thanksgiving. She is Matt’s sister. Weird right? I have been looking forward to it. Mostly. There has been some drama with my dad post surgery, but not enough time to get into that now either.

My week got fucked.

I’ve had a rough few months with my thyroid. Not feeling 100% myself. Surgery was a good option. Eric has been incredibly supportive. We have been amazing. Growing together. Building our life together.

post surgery he really was caring but maybe has the kid gloves on a bit too much for my liking. He was concerned with having sex too soon. And a couple days in, I was jonsing for, at least, some gentle loving. Our sex drives have always matched well. We will often have sex daily. Life gets exhausting and sometimes a day or three passes between. But it’s always regular, often, plentiful, and satisfying. And neither of us are begging the other for it. More recently I’ve felt I’ve wanted it more than he has. But he’s also worked more. And I just had surgery.

He has been concerned about money and went crazy working after my surgery. I was disappointed he wasn’t home more. I did communicate this. And he communicated why he was working as much as he was. I never doubted he was actually working because he’d often call while he was working extra and we’d talk when he had downtime or breaks, and it was clear he was where he said he was.

Since we began dating I knew his privacy policy when it came to electronics/phone. He has shared his passwords but he perceives it as a strict violation to go through his messages or phone and read things. Even when asked, he would say no. Didn’t matter if it was a message with my dad, his kid, whatever. It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t show me something from time to time, but he’d never just let me look through it. I have some respect for this and also some reservations. It never became a true red flag until a few months ago.

I don’t remember when now, but let’s say early last year, he met two people in CA (guy and girl who were not a couple) when visiting his kids. They both worked for a restaurant. He got to know them. They later arranged for a job for his middle son. At some point I suspected some inappropriate conversation with the girl when I saw a message pop up on his phone when we were sitting next to each other. He doesn’t know, but I looked at a few messages and it confirmed my suspicions. They were planning to connect on his next trip to CA. There were sexual conversations. Nothing had happened between them, but I suspected it would. He admitted they’d been flirting and it wasn’t entirely appropriate. He had already told me about plans to meet her for coffee. But denied any additional intentions. I had asked him to read messages that were sent to confirm what he was telling me and he told me it was a firm boundary for him, and no I couldn’t. He said he wouldn’t offer that to me for anyone in his life nor would he ask or expect it from me with anyone in mine. It was a little bit of a red flag for me at the time, but I did already have an idea of what he was keeping from me. I also knew she was clear across the country, and didn’t have a “daily concern.” We have opened our relationship in the past. After weighing out my options, I realized I would not be able to trust that nothing would happen. Even if nothing did, I would always doubt it. I wasn’t prepared to live like that. And, as I thought about it further, I really didn’t care if he did sleep with her, so long as he was honest with me about it, that she knew about me, and that they were safe. I told him this with one additional caveat. This was his son’s boss and asked him to consider what impact it may have on his relationship with his son or any of his kids, should they ever find out. He ultimately made the decision to not pursue anything with her (once he was there). I trust that was the case, since he’d have no reason to lie.

Fast forward to several days ago. We are in bed. Both on our phones winding down for the night. I see his most recent message he sent was to someone named Cassie. I’ve never heard this name before. He worked was with a lot of people. Has a lot of female colleagues and friends. It’s possible I just don’t know the name. But I know a lot of the people he talks to. I just casually asked “who are you chatting with?” It wasn’t an unusual question for either of us to ask. It is usually born out of curiosity for each other’s lives. He told me “no one, I was just setting my alarm.” Like I hadn’t just seen him send a message.

My spiny sense was up.

it was a couple days before I decided I had to look. I had seen her name on his phone a couple more times. I don’t want to invade his privacy. But I couldn’t shake this feeling. I knew he was being careful with my surgery, and had literally worked 96 hours in the span of 7 days, but we’d had sex one time. I felt like something was going on. When his phone was available for about 25 seconds, I peaked. I didn’t have much more time than that. But it was enough time to see that the conversation was inappropriate and sexual in nature. She made a comment about giving him a blowjob. I didn’t read back further than that, due to time.

I stewed for a few hours and finally confronted him. Without ever telling him exactly what I knew or how I knew. I mentioned seeing her name pop up on bed, the awkward response he gave. I asked who she was. He had told me a couple months ago about a lesbian wedding party at the casino he was working at. Apparently she was a bridesmaid. They’d exchanged socials for some photos the group had taken with him. But socials led to texts. He told me that they did flirt, maybe a little inappropriate at times, but he’s never seen her since that night, that they were friends and talked books and other stuff like that. I pushed him on it more and he kept denying anything more. I asked if either of them ever talked about sexual acts. He said no. I knew then I wasn’t getting the whole truth. I asked to read the messages and once again, no. Hard boundary. I pushed, to no avail.

I let a day or so pass and the topic came up again. I impressed upon him that I didn’t believe him. I didn’t trust what he was saying. He fed me some lines about it not being his job to make me trust. It was something that should already be there/it’s my issue/responsibility. And when I asked again about reading the messages, explaining that it would be a simple enough way to ease my mind, he said it wasn’t that easy to him, it wasn’t like that was giving me trust, it was like a court of law. He really gaslit me into feeling like I might be crazy. He insisted he’d never seen her since the one night her bridal party was at the casino. I  knew I’d read a message about a blow job, obviously I didn’t tell him this. But I thought, well, I didn’t read before that. Maybe it was a fantasy. Or role play. I did tell him he’d been working so much, it would be simple enough for him to have sex in his truck in the hour or two he had between shifts. But, again, he brushed that off as impossible.

we did have a productive conversation about the slippery slope that got him to the inappropriate flirting (the part he admitted to.) I asked him why he didn’t tell me about her? Why when I asked him who he was chatting with, why he didn’t mention it? While we are currently monogamous, we have left it open to have the discussion should either of us want to open things up in the future. Heck, a month ago, we went together to a swingers club in CT and both had sex with other people. We are open to being open! He couldn’t exactly explain why he’d hidden it, but admitted that it was a failure on his part and he would be better at communicating in the future.

we talk until 1am Monday night. I am horny af and I don’t believe in withholding sex, although I did consider it. He had been sending me sexy texts all day and had come home ready to fuck. I ask to have sex at 1am which after the hours of serious conversation, surprised him, but he agreed. And we both have incredible orgasms. His, one for the books

On Tuesdays (every other) he meets with his therapist. I encouraged him to talk about us the whole time lol 😂. I’ve never told him to asked him to talk about us. I don’t know the details of his therapy sessions, but from what he’s shared, they are usually about his kids. I was hoping he would talk to his therapist and find the right way to tell me.

therapy comes and goes and nothing. He doesn’t say more. I ask for sex Tuesday night and he’s too tired. I am concerned maybe he did talk to his therapist and he’s too scared to tell me the truth.

I am starting (growing….not starting) to have resentment and snark. I’m questioning the relationship. Can I stay? Under what circumstances? I need to know more.

I didn’t want to snoop further, but I had to confirm suspicions. Today I had a solid 2 mins to look at his phone and texts with her again. No mistake. They have seen each other. They have had sex. She brought him food to work one night. I knew about the food. He had sent me a photo of it one night telling me how great it was that a coworkers mom made it. WTF.

At some point in the day my dad is texting me, expressing his excitement we are coming  telling me he misses having me around. I ask “are you ready for me to move back?” He doesn’t know anything that’s going on and takes it as a joke. “Only if you bring Eric with you.” Eric is his favorite and walks on water  I react with a hahaha

I share with Eric. He responds “maybe you’ll go to FL for a week or two, but you can’t get away from me for longer than that.” I just look at him deadpan. No response. I didn’t need one. It is probably the third or fourth time I’ve made some “non comment” about leaving. I’m not one to make threats I don’t mean.  Until I’m 100% sure I would leave, I’d never say I would. But, I’m not going to pretend I’m happy either.

later he says, kindly and gently, but sadly, “you know, you really need to stop saying you’re going to leave me.” I tell him something to the effect that he’s right, but I’m still struggling and don’t know how to handle our situation. He tells me he has ensured I’ll never feel like that again – I wish I could remember the words he said. It was weird and surprised me.

 

I ask him later what he meant by that. He told me he communicated to Casey that their communication was inappropriate and had to stop. He didn’t want to lose. I ask if he’d called her to tell her this? He says he had that morning. I never checked his call log. So maybe he had. It hadn’t been in text. I know that. I don’t even know what I say exactly. But I tell him that I’m struggling. That I know he’s lied to me. He asks me what I mean, how I know. I tell him I just do. It’s obvious. I tell him that I don’t know what he is afraid of. I tell him he can think about it and doesn’t need to tell me anything in that moment but, that I know he is lying. I remind him that as I have told him in the past, lying is the worst thing that can happen for me. I tell him that it’s possible for us to get past something – he could tell me he’s had a 6-month affair and we can work through it. However, if I find out from any other source that he’s lied, we are done. We stare at each other for a long time. And he nods and leaves to continue cooking.

I don’t know how much time passes. 30 minutes? An hour? I’m googling self help. I’m thinking about where my boundaries are and what I’m able and willing to do. When I’ll call him all the way out.

I am sitting on couch. He come and kneels in front of me. There’s plenty of room beside me on the couch, but he chooses the floor. He takes my hand and touches my knee. He tells me he lied and there’s more. That she sent him a video of her masterbating. That they have talked about sexual things. I calmly said “and?” That he has seen her. And yes they had sex. I had to probe. But it was last week. And it was in her car. In between two of his shifts. He does say that was the only time. He apologizes. He feels guilty. And embarrassed. I told him we need professional help. He immediately reached out to a therapist for us.

I am not sure how I haven’t lost my shit completely today. I think I will at some point. But I’ve maintained. And put on “an outside” face as we dropped off the two turkeys we made together at the community center and at his work. Putting on a smile and pretending life was normal was hard AF!

I contemplated not going to either event. But, if I’m going to try to make this work, I have little choice but to go through the motions.

I told him not to mistake the polite and normal with being okay. That I will still want sex but that doesn’t mean I’m not mad or that I’m past this. And that I have a load of junk I’m working through that’s not entirely his fault but it’s part of the issue. 2 years ago, right before thanksgiving, I found out matt was cheating. We had a trip to see my parents planned and he opted not to go. I considered what I wanted today. Ultimately I think Eric and I need to be together to work through this. Whether it’s home or away. He put it in my hands if he stayed or came and if I went alone or with him. He really wants us to work on us. I’m still cautious and apprehensive. I am a low life cheater that started my relationship with him as dishonestly as this. I cheated with him when he was married to hos first wife as well. This is karma I had coming. I knew the adage “once a cheater, always a cheater” was probable. I wanted to believe a couple things he told me. 1. He was unhappy and in the end of those relationships when he cheated (true by my estimation) and 2. He’d never been allowed the freedom to approach an open relationship before. Well, fuck. He proved that wasn’t the answer. I don’t know how we rebuild the trust. I do know what we had was amazing. And I love him. And since he has already reached out to a therapist, I’m willing to try. But I’m pessimistic and scared as hell.

I’ve typed all this on my phone and need a break. More later.