Fluid Boundaries

Eric and I decided to try an exclusive monogamous relationship. First time in, maybe 15+ years for me.  It was more important to him. But, I think I do appreciate the clear expectations as we navigate long distance. We have both been clear that if something isn’t working, or if either of needs something more, especially considering that this is long distance, we need to speak up.

Eric’s divorce is still pending. They are going through mediation. They were only married 2.5 years, but she has been trying all legal angles for alimony. I can’t say I blame her for trying, but it’s a huge stretch. She’s employed. She didn’t sacrifice anything during their marriage for him/his career/his education. She’s not getting an education or working on a promotion that will put her in a better financial position in 18 months. She also is paying cash for a $250k condo. So, she’s not broke. She may earn less than he does, but she’s not broke! I’m not an attorney, but as far as I understand, she doesn’t meet the requirements of rehabilitative alimony, transitional alimony, or reimbursement alimony. And they weren’t married long enough for general alimony to be on the table. She is working all angles though and it’s dragging out the process. Which, even she is in a hurry to finish because she wants to do IVF and have a baby – and apparently she has to be divorced and single to start the process.

After a frustrating mediation with alimony being “threatened” he asked me “If I end up having to pay alimony can I have a hall pass to angry fuck her?”

I told him “Sure. Whatever makes you happy” And proceeded to tell him to get an outside opinion.

He also joked he might fuck her in trade for the lawnmower (a longer and more entertaining one-red-paperclip type trade that they seem to have going on after-the-fact.) Now that she has a condo, she doesn’t need the lawnmower. Nor does she want the king sized bed, because her rooms are small and she’d prefer a queen. But, she would like the pullout couch that he has. Etc. I think they settled on Eric buying dinner and a bottle of wine, trading her the InstaPot and in trade getting the lawn mower.

He texted me “I have a date with Jen Sunday night lol.” “Burger King and Wine lol”

Me: “You can buy her a better dinner than that lol”

E: “Nope” 

Me: Doesn’t seem like you’re trying to romance her lol

E: I’m not lol

During a phone call, I told him to have fun, one last time, with Jen, if he wanted. He told me it wouldn’t be right to break in the house with anyone other than me. And I told him, I really was okay with it, especially if it was Jen. I understood that need for closure. I wasn’t even sure she’d consent to it. But, I trusted him and his decisions. He was wavering on whether sex was really a good idea. I simply said “you’ll figure it out.” He laughed at that and told me I was the best-worst girlfriend ever (or maybe the worst-best…) “You’ll figure it out” wasn’t helpful. I laughed and asked “would you rather I micromanage sex with the woman you’re still married to?” That made him laugh!

Today he texted me that he was going to work Sat. And there was a shift Sunday and he was thinking about canceling on Jen and working Sunday too. Before I could even respond, he immediately texted again “Yep I’m doing it lol” “$$$ over everything!!!”

Me: Make sure you stay healthy. Mentally, emotionally and physically, Financial stability is AWESOME! And if isn’t at the sacrifice of your health, do it. I think time with Jen would be good for you both, but I get that it isn’t the biggest priority. Moving in is going to take some enery though…just be sure to take care of yourself. There is a balance.

E: I will

E: Spending time with her could be bad if I give her some 🍆 she could get emotional and shit and I don’t want to deal with that at all

Me: That’s smart too

Me: See, I told you you’d figure it out lol 😄

Me: Best-worst girlfriend, giving solid advice 😜

E: Is this you giving me room to grow and truly appreciate the latitude and freedom your comfortable with which will ultimately bring us closer together?

Me: LOL 😂 I wasn’t thinking about it that deeply. But, maybe. It’s me being me. I appreciated you honestly expressing something you wanted. I had no reason to be threatened by it and I trusted you to make a decision that was right for you and for us. I didn’t know what would ultimately happen but I trust that you would do the best thing.

I feel, good, about all of this. I was hoping that he wouldn’t have sex with Jen. But, it wasn’t a test. I legitimately felt safe. I trusted him. I trusted that it would be okay. And not just because I expected that he’d come back to me. I did expect that. But, because if he didn’t – I was better off knowing that now, than months down the line when I had moved in with him. For most of my adult life, I have been able to trust my partner to have sex outside of our relationship, and trust that they would come back to me. As long as our relationship was stable and strong, that worked. I still don’t know that I want poly. Or open. But, I think I am comfortable with monogam-ish. Situationally we can talk about it.