Feeling raw

I started with a new therapist last week. Virtually. I liked her. So far, anyway. A very typical first session; lots of interview questions. Which meant, basically sharing a small part of every trauma in my lifetime. Ripping off many scabs. But, not really working on healing any of them. She asked me at the end of our hour how I was feeling. I told her, honestly in the moment, I was feeling emotional, but I would be okay. That has held true for the last week. Although, I have been a lot more emotional than I expected.  I have cried more than usual. Songs, pictures, smells and memories have all been so much more damning than usual. I have had more trouble sleeping. Nightmares. Most I can’t remember the details of – although I remember that two  have had to deal with fire, and I don’t know why or much  more than that. Eric woke me from one of them (where I was screaming/audibly upset) and I was saying something about fire and things burning down to him. I have jolted awake in sheer panic and terror. It’s hard to concentrate at work. Or focus on much of anything. The only thing I want to do is play pickleball. I feel when I am on the court, my brain quiets down. I can enjoy the game. Pickleball is like meditation for me. It’s enough noise, that it drowns out anything else in my brain. Eric has been enjoying playing pickleball with me, but his knee hasn’t felt great and can’t keep up with the amount of hours my brain needs to play. My body hurts too, but I can’t listen to the pain right now….it hurts  less than my emotional pain and I’m choosing one over the other. I have tried to find some other opportunities to play in addition to time with Eric, but they are harder to find within my work schedule. I tried to go to an open play session this morning before work but no one else was there. Today my anxiety is particularly bad. It’s going to be a long day.