Dad issues
Normally things with my dad are perfect. He’s one of my favorite humans. I adore spending time with him. We are both pretty easy going.
Eric met my dad in October of 2001. I’d like to write here that my dad isn’t and has never been racist or prejudiced. I think in current tense, that’s true. I don’t think my perception of how he was when I was a teenager would say that is how he was though. He wasn’t outwardly racist. He didn’t exclude people. I didn’t hear him say terrible things or words at home. Yet, I did know he wouldn’t be accepting of me, his white daughter, bringing home a boyfriend of color. Today, I don’t hesitate on that. He would have no issues. But 25 years ago, yes. In my diary entry titled “He’s Black?” from October 19, 2001 – my written account of my conversation with my dad that day shows he was pretty concerned about me dating or having sex with someone who was black.
dad, eric’s coming up tomorrow and going on a ride-along with me at work.
is he your boyfriend?
no he is not my boyfriend. he has a girlfriend that goes to usm.
how did he meet her?
explain the story.
dad since you flipped out the other night when we (him my bro and I) were discussing bringing a black date home, i should probably tell you eric is black (feeling really little and stupid that i feel i even have to *warn* him)
no he isn’t.
yes he is.
you’re messing with me
dad eric is black i am serious
no you’re not
yes i am
(back and forth until much later when he takes me serious)
he can’t come here (not sure if he is kidding…a lot worried)
ok i just won’t bring him here i will find someplace else to go
is he really black?
yes
so he isn’t your boyfriend?
no he isn’t my boyfriend
you have no intrest in him?
no
are you having sex with him?
dad, what kind of question is that? no i’m not sleeping with him (lying through my teeth…not as if i would tell him if i was having sex with a white guy either…what does he think he is going to get for an answer???errr…yeah dad eric’s 10 inch black meat felt really good after he ate me out for a half hour…probably not!!!)
ok than it is okay if he comes here
what difference would it make if we did have sex
a big one
(bro comes home)
your dad is a racist
no i’m not
Apparently, according to my next diary entry, Eric’s visit went pretty well. There was some weird talk about squirrel hunting – but there were not any guns. It also accounts that my dad apologized to me before Eric arrived…
before i picked eric up, my dad apologized to me. he said he was inappropriate and not politically correct. he said if eric was a good guy he would except him even if he was my boyfriend.
” dad he is not my boyfriend.”
” i know, but if he were to be, it would take some adjusting, but I would get used to it.”
that was cool of him. it meant a lot.
Funny thing about memories though, I swear my dad was cleaning his gun in the living room that night – and it’s become kind of the folklore story since that my dad and brother greeted Eric with guns. Eric doesn’t remember the night at all. My dad doesn’t remember either. He maintains that there were no guns. But he also claims he didn’t say the things above to me and never would have been prejudiced about it.
A couple weeks back, Eric cracked some jokes about it with my dad. I thought it was all in good fun!
Last night, my dad asked me, in all seriousness, prefacing that he had no memory of the night, if he had been at all inappropriate with Eric when they met. I told him that neither of us remembered it really and I didn’t think he had. My dad withdrew a bit and didn’t want to talk about what was wrong.
Later in the evening, after he’d gone to bed, I sent him a text:
Me: I love you. I hope you’re okay. I’m sorry if I said anything to upset you.
Dad: I’m upset because this came up before. I believe Your recollection of events 20 years ago are different than mine. Your interpretation of my comments at the time you may have felt were prejudice. I don’t have a prejudice bone in my body. Not one cell in my body is prejudice. I may have used a wrong choice of words at the time out of concern for a young woman who may get pregnant. Whether the guy was white or black I didn’t want to see you get pregnant and I wasn’t ready to raise another child. I felt at the time you would come home pregnant. Now I feel guilty on what I may have said a long time ago is now back in my face. Your quote to me tonight: I have a journal. I believe what ever you wrote is your interpretation of my words and not how I thought they should be interpreted. Try being in my shoes at the time worried sick about what life choices your daughter is about to make. Yes I may have said unkind things at time because I was worried for you but what ever came out of my mouth wasn’t racially motivated. When Eric said on the phone the other day I had a gun out and how that was intimidating for a young black man. Looking back on it I was stupid if I did that. He is 100% correct. All of this is more than I want to deal with right now.
Dad: One more thing: All I have ever wanted for you and still do is for you to be Happy!
I was facetiming with Eric when this came in. I’d told Eric about my dad’s question earlier in the night. I couldn’t bring myself to read that whole message to him, but he saw my face. I didn’t know how to respond exactly. There was a lot I wanted to “defend” or “rebut” but I felt that diffusing it was the best option.
Me: I love you. I don’t remember it clearly either. I don’t think you’re prejudiced. I won’t say anything more about it. I can understand where the concern was and I’m sorry it got brought up again. How can I make it better? I know you want for me to be happy!!! You make that sooo clear and contribute so much to my happiness I can’t ever repay you for it all.
Me: Eric doesn’t have any concern. He really doesn’t remember things either and everything said was a joke. Please know he’s excited about meeting you and Denise and there’s no concern for him
Dad: Thanks for the kind words. I’m looking forward to meeting him. Love you.
Me: I love you too
My dad usually sleeps to 9AM or so. He was awake at 5:30 when I work up – and had apparently been unable to sleep since 4:30. I worried it had to do with the stress of the night before. But, I know he has some other stress going on too. He said he was okay, and since I agreed to leave things be, I didn’t push it further. He’s been normal today. We’ve talked about his other stresses with his volunteer work.
I think we’re okay. It’s such a weird thing. I didn’t know how to say “I don’t think this is you now….but it was you then” without furthering the issue. I don’t even know that I did the right thing by letting him off the hook so easily. But then again, maybe he was partially right. Maybe half the issue was “sex” – period. And I was “wearing my red dot” and projected my fears and insecurities.
Red Dot Experiment – as I recently read it in the book Gracism by David Anderson…
Anderson tells of a study where ten people were to be interviewed. A red dot was painted on one cheek of each one. After the interviews each interviewee said the interviewer was staring at the dot. However, of the ten receiving a dot, unknown to them, half were given a clear dot. “From this experiment, we learn that people feel self-conscious about whatever makes them insecure. That insecurity might relate to weight, gender, race or any other distinctive that is viewed as a negative in society. Do you ever feel like people are focusing on your red dot?” Anderson asks. We all have them.