Celebration of Life
What is a celebration of life?
a time people come together more to celebrate the unique personality and achievements of the deceased
an event that focuses primarily on the life a loved one lived, and the legacy that they leave behind.
more of a relaxed and party-like atmosphere with guests attending to celebrate a life well lived
Legacy? Life well lived? Achievements? Celebration?
None of these things resonate when I think of Matt. Although I don’t really trust my own brain right now. I have so many different thoughts.
I received an email today announcing Matt’s Celebration of Life. March 25th
I had already decided I wouldn’t go. And I still believe that to be the case. But, I am struggling big with it.
I don’t much feel like I belong there. I feel like I will be judged if I go. And judged if I don’t. I said this to my friend Andi and her response was
“if they don’t recognize that he treated you like shit for the past 6 years, then they obviously don’t deserve to be your friend.” And that sent me spiraling.
“Treated you like shit for the past 6 years.”
Am I broken? Is my perspective deeply off? Do other people just have the bad stuff in mind and it screws their perspective? I feel like a battered wife, defending him when my (internal) response to that was “no, that’s now how it was!” He didn’t hit me. He didn’t emotionally abuse me. He didn’t yell at me. He loved me. He would do most anything for me. But, then I am dragged back to the daily “comparison” reminders with Eric. Eric is SO. MUCH. MORE. That is the simplest way to say it. Daily, I am expressing gratitude that has Eric looking at me, with his head cocked. His response is “I am just being me. This is normal babe.” But most of it isn’t normal.
Eric notices something needs to be cleaned, and he just does it. I had to ask Matt to do anything at home. He did his own laundry (no one elses) and that was it, unless asked.
Eric calls contractors and schedules appointments. He calls the insurance and files a claim. He calls the cleaner and schedules her to come. He knows what it takes to run the house, and he makes it happen. I would ask Matt 42 times and then it still may never get done unless I did it.
Eric took down the shower curtain and put it in the wash. Unprompted. Because that just needed to happen. I have not had a shower curtain in….AGES….and nearly forgot that was a thing that had to be done. Ha! Matt wouldn’t know this needed to happen.
Eric bought new filters for the Brita and the Keurig – and replaced them. Again because he just knew it had to be done. I could buy all the filters in the world and beg Matt to replace it, and I would be lucky if it happened a month later….
Eric notices lightbulbs burned out and bought new ones and replaced them the same day. Matt would only replace them when I bought the bulbs and only after months of begging. Or I just would do it.
Eric took my car to the bank and when he was out, filled the gas tank. Matt wouldn’t think about it when my car was at half a tank. Maybe if he didn’t have enough to get home….
Eric surprises me with massages and goes for pedicures with me. I understand not everyone loves pedicures, but I do wish Matt would have enjoyed things like that more with me. The time together is wonderful.
Eric notices when I am low on energy and does what is needed to help me. Matt would help, when asked. He didn’t want me to overstress myself. But, Matt’s solution was “it can wait.” Not, “let me help.”
Eric can plan a vacation. Yeah, Matt, never.
Eric CHOOSES to spend time with my family and friends. He has gotten to know my family more in the last few months than Matt did in 14 years. Matt would spend time with my family IF FORCED. But he canceled more times than not. And he never took time to get to know anyone.
I can go on. They are all relatively simple things, but they mean so much to me. Matt was not horrible. But he wasn’t ambitious or proactive. He was pretty lazy. And (conveniently) forgetful. And his life was just not together. On pretty much any front. I worried about him losing his job (again), I worried about relapses and his mental health, I worried amount money and all the ways he lied to me about money, I worried about having enough time to get things done without help, etc.
And then there was our sex life. It was non existent the last few years. I definitely deserved more. And Eric delivers!
So did he treat me “like shit” for the last 6 years? Not exactly. Did he contribute equally and offer me the partnership I deserved? Most certainly not.
Putting aside how rude I think some people may be, or at least how fake they will be, at the Celebration of Life….I don’t think I can sit in a room and tell great stories. I have SO MANY great stories. Life wasn’t all bad. But I am stuck on anger that he did this. Anger that every one else’s life was upended as a result. Angry that he was so damn privileged, that his literal job was to help people get sober and keep them from killing themselves, and yet he couldn’t do the same for himself. It feels so hypercritical. That word seems much more fitting than Legacy, Life well lived, Achievements, or Celebration….
He was so hypercritical. He stood on these idealized morals denouncing hate and bigotry, and played the victim, when he got to where he was, he got every (literal and figurative) get out of jail free card because he was the white kid with a rich daddy who was a lawyer. He would put up Facebook posts talking about “Hate Chicken” and how no one should ever eat Chic Fil A, even if it was free, but then he would go all the time. He just liked to talk to talk, have moral superiority, but live his life in secret – no one really knowing the real him.
I just can’t do it.