Another Song
It’s been awhile since Eric has sent me a song. He sent one first thing this morning.
Lions, Tigers & Bears by Jazmine Sullivan
I don’t know how he keeps finding the right songs. Describing the exact emotions, we are both feeling. It’s somewhat validating that he’s feeling the things I am. Somewhat unnerving too.
I’m not scared of lions and tigers and bears (oh my)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
Just ’cause I love you and you love me
It doesn’t mean that that we’re meant to be
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
But the most frightening thing is you and me
It doesn’t mean that that we’re meant to be
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
But the most frightening thing is you and me
I’m not scared of lions and tigers and bears (oh my)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
Most circumstances, I know my fate
But in this love thing I don’t get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in
They only wind up losing a friend?
But in this love thing I don’t get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in
They only wind up losing a friend?
Just ’cause I love you and you love me
It doesn’t mean that we’ll ever be,
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the Queen
But the most frightening thing is you and me
It doesn’t mean that we’ll ever be,
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the Queen
But the most frightening thing is you and me
I’m not scared of lions and tigers and bears (oh my)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
I’m not sure no (no), I’m not sure (no)
But if we never try we’ll never know
It’s better to have loved than not to love at all
But if we never try we’ll never know
It’s better to have loved than not to love at all
Not trying is worst than to stumble and fall
And if we do, I’d rather it be with you
‘Cause at least there will be sweet memories
Oh, I’m not scared
And if we do, I’d rather it be with you
‘Cause at least there will be sweet memories
Oh, I’m not scared
I’m not scared of lions and tigers and bears (oh my)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
But I’m scared of (loving you)
I’m not scared to perform at a sold out affair (that’s right)
But I’m scared of (loving you)
Am I the only one who thinks it’s an impossible task?
Why it don’t last? Is that too much to ask?
Why do we love love, when love seems to hate us?
Me: I don’t know how you find these songs that always say the things I can relate to…you have a special talent
E: I have a few special talents lol
Me: Yes, yes you do!
E: And maybe that song is how I feel
Me: It’s scary. I feel the same. There’s a 20-year friendship that neither of us want to lose. But as it says, worse than failing, it not trying. I think the fear and caution is healthy and normal.
He’s at work and hasn’t responded to my last message yet. I keep listening to that song today. Certain lyrics resonate…I worry about losing my friend as a result of all of this. But I also know, that the possibility is too good to not try.
Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
Just ’cause I love you and you love me
It doesn’t mean that that we’re meant to be
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
It doesn’t mean that that we’re meant to be
I can climb mountains, swim cross the seas
Most circumstances, I know my fate
But in this love thing I don’t get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in
They only wind up losing a friend?
But in this love thing I don’t get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in
They only wind up losing a friend?
But if we never try we’ll never know
It’s better to have loved than not to love at all
It’s better to have loved than not to love at all
Not trying is worst than to stumble and fall
And if we do, I’d rather it be with you
‘Cause at least there will be sweet memories
And if we do, I’d rather it be with you
‘Cause at least there will be sweet memories
I am trying to focus more intentionally on the present. Being in the present. Not to future trip. To enjoy the now. For as long as it lasts. And not worry about “forever.” If we have the most wonderful 3 months, 1 year, 3 years…or whatever….that time will be enjoyed. I married previously, for, forever. And I lost the enjoyment and myself at some point, as I focused too much on just getting to “forever.” Who knows if we will ever move to the same state. Or if we’ll survive to Christmas or celebrate another birthday together. I don’t say that because I particularly doubt it. Just, that I am trying not to focus so much on what comes next. I feel a little insecure still. Like I only know for certain my feelings. And he’s given me no reason to doubt his nor his intentions, but that I would be hurt if he suddenly wasn’t as “all-in” as I am. But, I am still trying to just enjoy the ride that I’m on. Be present in the adventure. Trust in the process.
9 more days until he’s in FL.
We have the next 2 months fairly well mapped out.
5 days together in FL
Then I am out of town for 2 months. Some with him, some apart.
I am in AZ for 2 weeks (he’s home.) – I have a 1 day trip to Miami in this period to meet friends for a football game.
We will meet in CA for 9 days. I will work from CA. He’ll visit his kids. I still don’t plan to meet them.
We will fly to Boston together for 9 more days.
18 consecutive days together. That will be a new record. Half in “vacay” mode in CA, where he is off (but I work during the week.) Half, in true REAL life. He works, I work. Together at his new house. This will be a first.
Then I fly to AZ for 22 days. Tentatively. Longer if my goddaughter is born late.
Eric will join me in AZ for the last 5 days of my trip. So we’ll be apart for 17 days.
Then, I plan to fly to Boston for about 3 days, and then to DC.
That’s where our plans end. For now – planning further out doesn’t make sense yet.
I can live with this schedule for now. I am gone for 2 months, but it’s nice that I will see him for about half of the next two months.