It’s not about me. Wait. Yes it is.
“You go to Heaven for the climate, but to Hell for the company.
~ Mark Twain
So.
I’d like to say it started a few weeks ago when my friend Francie swallowed a metric fuckton of Ativan and Effexor in attempt to stop her inner turmoil and pain. Luckily the only success she had with that effort is an ambulance ride to the emergency room, where she stopped breathing on her own momentarily and then a mandatory 72 hour hold in the psych ward at Abbott-Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis.
The thing that scares me is that Francie looked me in the eye when I sat with her in the hospital and she says she flat-out does not remember making the decision to end her life. She doesn’t remember swallowing the pills, nor does she remember calling her mother to tell her what she had just done. She remembers waking up and feeling the most physically ill she’s ever felt with hospital staff surrounding her and welcoming her back. She remembers her 5 and 12 year old daughters hugging her so hard that she choked a little and feeling so much love from everyone that she was almost overwhelmed.
I don’t know if she’s ok now. We talk a lot and we laugh and she seems to be throwing herself into life and living again and we’re planning a Big Girls Sleepover this weekend – where a bunch of us just hang out in our jammies and watch movies and enjoy each others’ company – so I want to take all this as a good sign.
I just don’t know. All I can do is be a friend and have faith in the girl. But really … I just don’t know.
I’ve been feeling it sneak up on me for quite a while, but I can only see that in retrospect. The lethargy, disinterest, slowing down in everything I do and think about. Christ, I haven’t even been writing here (have you noticed?). Whatever is happening to me mentally is really having an effect on me physically as well … I’ve gained so much weight that it’s constantly on my mind anymore. I have to psych myself up just to get out of bed and getting dressed is the biggest chore I can face. Put it this way: if you’re reading this you’ve read me long enough to know that humor is part of who I am; even when the world around me seems to be falling apart something funny will pop out of my mouth and it doesn’t feel out of place. Well, I can’t even get it up to crack a joke.
Yesterday was the crux of the matter, though. I was at work, trying to hammer through some analytical data, which is a slow, methodical and logic-based process and I do it all day long. I don’t work in an environment conducive to concentration so it’s important that I tune out all non-essential noise in order to keep my shit together and nose to the grindstone. And I couldn’t do it. Everything – I mean absolutely everything was just bugging the living crap out of me. The coworker who sits right behind me was chewing something crunchy and it was loud. Noise from the airplanes that fly overhead all day every day (I work very close to the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport) echoed in my head long after they had passed. Someone cracked up across the room and it sounded hollow and both far away and right next to me at the same time. And then out of nowhere I just couldn’t breathe. My legs started tapping a million miles an hour and tears were streaming down my face although I wasn’t crying … or at least it didn’t feel like it. And then I was hyperventilating. It was a true fucking mess, not to mention embarrassing.
I can’t live like this. No one should feel like they have to, honestly, and I know that. One of my coworkers was kind enough to give me a ride to Urgent Care, where I got a short-term prescription for Xanax and a doctor to follow up with. I know I’m probably looking at therapy and/or a psychiatrist too, but seriously? I just want to feel normal again.
Last night I went to bed while the sun was still up, though hanging low in the sky. I fell asleep with my head on soft pillows and a small black dog tucked behind my knees.
I woke up early to the sound of my alarm and hit snooze an appropriate number of times. When I got up, a little black dog followed me as I made coffee and found my comfort spot in the living room while it brewed. Gracie’s deep-brown-almost-black eyes stared at me from my lap, and then she jumped up and licked my nose – just once – before settling back into my lap for a quick snooze.
She just doesn’t know. All she can do is be a friend and have faith in the girl. But really … she just doesn’t know.
i hope you can find help…you’re right, nobody should have to live like this.
Warning Comment
Dogs are the best comfort I know.
Warning Comment
Oh, Lovepants. I’m glad you shared this. I hope you do find the help you need, and if it is any consolation, I was feeling VERY similar back in November–like the scariest part was that I am the Class Clown, you know, and my inability to locate my sense of humor was the most disturbing. Honestly, your steps to start somewhere with getting health and nutrition is SUCH a good first step. I honestlyfelt 1000 times better, MENTALLY, and energy wise after my first couple of weeks on Visalus. It was CRAZY. So, I hope you have a similar result. I wonder if they sneak anti-depressants into the shake (HAHAKIDDING). But seriously, the mind/body connection and getting the nutrition you need is going to work wonders, I just know it. I am excited for you to feel better!! One step at a time lady. Don’t focus on the whole brick wall. Concentrate on laying one brick at a time, perfectly. That is all you have to do. LOVE YOU LOTS!!!
Warning Comment
Oh. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so terribly. I wish there was something I could do. I hope you enjoy the pajama party and that things start looking up for you soon.
Warning Comment
I understand on a gut level so many of these feelings. I’ve definitely had a lot of “A person can’t live like this” while doing crafty. Just….horrible. And indicative of the rest of what’s happening. I hope you find what you need to start reversing the tide.
Warning Comment
oh, I’m so sorry. I had hoped you were not writing because things were just going well, but I have really missed your posts. I am glad that you have finally got around to writing, maybe writing it out will help some. Do follow up with your dr, I believe the right drs, and the right meds can do wonders. (hugs) There’s a place to stay whenever you want to see the smokies!
Warning Comment
Oh, my love. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I hope the Xanax helps and the snow melts soon — that will be good for the soul, too. xox.
Warning Comment
(((hugs)))
Warning Comment
oh my. i’m so sorry to hear about your friend, i’m glad she made the call to her mother and i’m glad that she’s ok now, at least physically. that panic attack or whatever it was that you experienced sounds dreadful. are you allowed to listen to music where you work? i sometimes have a really hard time concentrating and blocking out sounds so mellow music helps me a bit.
Warning Comment
It sounds exactly like an anxiety attack, and the Xanax should help, but losing your humor discourages me. I do have faith in you though, and know whatever it is that is bothering you, you will kicks its sorry ass to the curb… You’ve experienced too much in your life to let anything get you down for long. Just remember we all love ya, and we’re here if you need us. Seriously. *NOOGIES*
Warning Comment
You can do it, you can feel better. You know what you have to do and as shitty as it is (therapy, god I fucking hate therapy) it works. And we are ALL here for you WHENEVER it is needed, I hope you know that. Love you and keep your chin up – even when it seems terribly hard because good things WILL come again.
Warning Comment
I’ve been reading you FOREVER and this is new. I hope you get the right thing to help!
Warning Comment
I’m glad you shared this too. I feel like we haven’t really connected in awhile, and I think that can be a normal part of the ebb and flow of OD friendships. But I’ve always loved you, admired you, respected you, been in awe of you. Oh I’m sure you think the “awe” isn’t deserved and maybe most of the time, it isn’t — and I say that in all honesty because I’ve had people tell me the same thing andI totally know that “awe” of me is completely unwarranted. But I think you know what I mean. I really love you and care about you. I’m glad you’ve recognized that you’re in a bad place and you’re getting help. Hugs!
Warning Comment
Oh love, take care of you. I wish I could come over and watch the twins with you.
Warning Comment
She does know. As do we all. I feel like that much of the time also. The outside a big facade, the inside a right mess. My son says to me, “Why didn’t you tell me?” And when I do, “Don’t tell me those things.” So I just keep dancing. But, Sadie… Sadie knows and sticks by my side giving me love and understanding no humans impart. I am hugging you from the right coast.
Warning Comment
xo
Warning Comment
It’s a big thing around here these days, but have you had your Vit D levels checked? Both M and I were low. I was really low. It can affect your mood too.
Warning Comment
RYN: Heh, I still have the big giant poster hanging in the basement! I’m going back there and I WILL find an alien! I WILL!
Warning Comment
yes for meds. and about your friend .. i ahd something similiar happen with a friend of mine … and it’s shocking. loves,
Warning Comment
I’ve been having some similarly very low points over the past year. Shit is rough. Have missed you writing. And, glad your friend is ok.
Warning Comment
I really wish you strength, my friend. Also, you may or may not have heard about the OD-er that killed herself this past weekend. She was my friend, and I am grieving. So, I am gonna tell you right now, even though you aren’t in THAT place, that you HAVE to take care of yourself. I love you. I do a shitty job of showing it most of the time, but I do. Take care of you. *squeeze*
Warning Comment
All I can do from here is be a friend and have faith in the girl, too. And I am. And I do. Love you.
Warning Comment
the story of your friend breaks my heart. take care of you.
Warning Comment
*hugs!*
Warning Comment
Hang in there, girlfriend. Ps: you weren’t kidding in that note, were ya?! Xoxo
Warning Comment
Warning Comment
weird that i didn’t note this entry. i hope i did and am just not seeing it now- otherwise i worry for my memory, my interpersonal skills and other things as well!! oh baby. let’s get back on our feet. *fist bump*
Warning Comment
i completely relate to the feeling of just dragging myself through the day. i hope the medication and the counseling help you. i’m thinking of you.
Warning Comment
*hugs* Love you. Allie
Warning Comment
You’re not alone in this world. Quite a few have your back. Always know that.
Warning Comment
Ah, “normal”. I don’t remember the last time I felt normal. I can say I can completely relate with your work/break down story. Nothing worse than not being able to pull it together or shake it off, since you can’t even really isolate the problem. I hope you keep writing – sometimes that helps. xoxoxoxox
Warning Comment