To be or Not To Care. That is the question.

It’s been a long while since I’ve been in touch with my feelings, although there are days I debate whether I can truly feel anything; I’ve forgotten what love meant to me. I don’t know how to love anymore; all I am left with is fear and not one cell in my body is able to feel the trust I once had in people. Is this a temporary thing? and keeping myself in solitary make it worse?

I’ve always compelled myself to believe that I was able to love, I had to give myself some hope without losing what little faith I had left, but being who I am now I wonder… Did I love at all? Am I truly able to love another human being?

Let’s be honest for a moment, at this point I’m so used to being in this state of emotionless solitude that anything else feels unbearable, like the sun on a vampire’s lifeless body. Don’t get me wrong I think I’ve grown a lot the past five years in many aspects of my life; some things might need a little work but hey nobody is perfect. I just can’t help but feel like a part of my humanity is missing, and how I know that is because I don’t care… There is very little about being human that I care about and It’s not like most people where they might feel the need to fix themselves, nope, it’s not like that for me at all. I have the ability to see that there is something off about me but I have no desire to do anything that might potentially fix me and bring me closer to humanity. That feels far from what my purpose is, it will find me…it’s so close I can taste it.

"I’m not man enough to be human, but I’m trying to fit in and I’m learning to fake it" -MM