the birth story.*with pics

just need to get this one out there so I can have it for future reference.   :sigh:
 
[most of this was written a few weeks ago]
 
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Aaron headed up to Portland for a work project on August 27th.    He arrived around 9p and we chatted for a bit before we both decided to turn in for the night.   Just after midnight, I woke up to go to the bathroom.  Just as I rolled out of bed, I had a weird sensation – my water was breaking!  It wasn’t subtle at ALL and it was so surreal~ I stood there in disbelief for a few moments.  Was I dreaming?  Shit!  It was more than two weeks before my due date and Aaron was NOT EVEN IN THE SAME STATE!  I called him and said get on a flight ASAP – but he wasn’t able to get booked on anything until 9a.   I was encouraged slightly that contractions hadn’t started yet, so I was hopeful Joaquin would wait until he got home to make his official debut.
 
I called our doula and asked for her advice – which I knew would be "try to sleep!"  And I tried, but I wasn’t READY to have a baby yet!   My hospital bag wasn’t fully packed, I was LEAKING WATER, and I was buzzed with excitement.   I started packing my hospital bag while trying to wrap my head around the idea that THIS WAS HAPPENING!  OMG!  I WAS GOING TO MEET MY BABY!!!  I WASN’T GOING TO BE PREGNANT FOREVER!  OMG OMG OMG.

Deep breath.
 
Then, I started having contractions at 3a.   They weren’t very close together and they were super mild, so I tried to go back to sleep.   It didn’t really work.  The contractions started waking me up every 15-20 minutes. They started coming faster and longer.  I called Aaron at 5a to see if he was able to work any magic and get on an earlier flight, but nosomuch.  I decided to have a bowl of cereal because I knew I would need the sustenance for later on.  I also was trying to slow down the contractions to buy Aaron more time.   I decided to take a shower and get myself somewhat presentable, because, why not.
 


Contractions started coming closer together and were amping up in terms of intensity, but they were still manageable.  By 7a, I called our doula to come over to sit with me (and potentially take me to the hospital). I effectively labored for a couple hours more at home, mostly I’d sway to the music through each contraction.  I felt (mostly) confident and as relaxed as I could be considering I was in labor and Aaron was in the air.   At some point Aaron’s mom to came to pick up Camus.  But then I felt that the contractions were starting to get strong enough and close enough together that I anticipated if I waited any longer the car ride would be quite challenging. Which it was, anyway.   
It was so hot out, and Katie didn’t have A/C; and I just tried my best to "ride" out each contraction in a "relaxed" way. By the time we got to the hospital it was about 10:30a or so and Aaron was due to land in an hour and a half. Contractions continued to get closer and stronger, but were still manageable. I had Katie there giving me helpful advice, and she was playing the Tibetan meditation music Aaron and I had picked out for the labor process. I felt good, and I felt determined.   When I checked in, I was dilated to 3cm.   Meanwhile, Aaron was sending text messages from the plane (he had internet access and we both have iPhones)  I sent him this picture shortly after settling into my room and changing into my "gownie" I had brought with me:

 
He was sending messages like this:

 

Aaron finally arrived at Cedars around 1p, and by then I was barely lucid between contractions -it was business time!   
 
I labored for a few hours. It felt like a long stretch later, and they said I was up to 5 cm. I think it was around 5p that I got to 6cm, and it seemed like things were progressing. However, at that point I had been "in labor" for 14 hours, and I was starting to get extremely tired (I hadn’t slept in many, many hours) and the contractions were getting SO intense. I had back labor as well, and it was KILLING me. I was starting to really doubt my ability to keep riding out the contractions, as I was starting to get scared of them.
Some of the contractions were so intense that I vomitted right afterwards.  It was MISERABLE.  I went into the shower a few times and was able to power through contractions more effectively and more quickly by sucking my thumb (seriously!  It worked!) and using some "other" techniques.  Aaron would also feed me clif shots intermittently to give me some form of sustenence.   

I had to get monitored a few times in bed, and while it gave me a chance to rest a bit, the contractions slowed down and became less productive.


I think it was around 7p I got checked again, and no progress at all – still at 6cm. Then another check – maybe around 9p, still at 6cm and my cervix was getting swollen, which meant effacement was going in reverse. He had moved into station -1, but I was so ready to give up. I was at the point that I didn’t want to have any more contractions because I was losing my ability to get through them without feeling like I was going to die. And because I wasn’t progressing, I was so discouraged.  Also, the 2nd shift nurse SUCKED and made me feel like I was broken, and in many ways, she made me lose confidence in myself.  Suckfacenurse.
 
I finally made the call at 10:30p or so to get an epidural considering I hadn’t made any progress since 7p, I hadn’t slept in 33 hours and I honestly didn’t think I could keep it up AND eventually push through the last stage. I was SO frustrated with my body and my determination to get through it med-free – that I wasn’t able to do the natural childbirth I had planned, I felt like I had given it my best shot, but mentally, physically and emotionally: I felt defeated.

It was amazing how good I felt once the epidural kicked in. I was finally able to be present in the moment and try to get a grasp of myself.
 
The first couple contractions while on the epidural were a bit scary – Joaquin’s heart rate was dropping and they needed to put me on oxygen. I was also on the border of having a fever so they put ice packs all over me to try and cool me down. Eventually they started some Pitocin, and on a low level it seemed to be OK. But my contractions weren’t very close together or very productive, so they decided to up the dosage.

At 2:30a, Joaquin’s heart rate dropped really low and didn’t come up immediately, so a whole team of people came rushing into the room to start prepping me for a c-section. It was terrifying! By the time they got me in the OR, his heart rate had stabilized, but by this time I was just ready to be done- I was worried about Joaquin’s well-being, and I was worried about the fact that my water had been broken for over 24 hours and so many different people’s fingers and items had been introduced into my birth canal (catheter, etc.). So I agreed to the c-section.   While on the table, I was shaking uncontrollably; like I was freezing cold, but no amount of heat could calm me down.   I was so concerned that something was Wrong, but I was assured this was a normal response to Having a Baby.   Freaked me the eff out though.  Also – whatever they gave me to numb the pain made me feel numb in my arms and chest and I was having an amazingly hard time breathing.   So scary – I guess it was a less-than-optimal response to whatever they had given me (and not totally ‘normal’)

They asked if I had any special requests for music, so I had Aaron queue up Bon Iver for some "ambience."  It was the only concert we had attended while he was in utero, and because of how much I loved them, I felt it was an appropriate that Joaquin enter the world to the sounds of one of my favorite groups of musicians.  By  3:14a on August 29th, 2012- he was removed. Healthy and screaming.  I was so relieved when I saw and heard him that tears just started streaming down my face.  I was overwhelmed with relief, happiness and excitement.  oh.  and EXHAUSTION.
 
But:  it was the OPPOSITE of everything I had planned & prepared for, meditated on and hoped for. However, I felt in control of my decisions and actions, so I don’t have any regrets. I’m disappointed that my mind & body had other plans for this birth, but I do felt like I really tried my best to get through a natural labor, and at the end of the day the most important thing was to have a healthy baby and healthy mommy – and both happened.
 
And now I’m trying to recover from my first surgery ever… it’s going well but it’s just not what I was expecting to be going through. So my main concerns about drugs and surgery were the post-bonding/feeding effects and so far, so good on that front. Joaquin is a champion feeder, and we’ve bonded like crazy.  And that’s all I can really ask for!

 
 
 
Now – sleep deprivation is a whole new challenge, and the fact that Joaquin’s hunger cry resembles that of a Pterodactyl is also a huge challenge. But I love that he’s here and I love him so very much that it’s all totally worth it.


 
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So there you have it.