The Beat Keeps going on…..

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. It’s like I feel down and depressed for days. I cry. I cry and I cry. Then I have a day where the sun comes out and I think I have turned a corner. I wake up ready to work. Ready to help people. Then my client starts talking about death or the impact of death and then I go down that dark road again. This has been my cycle. I love my job. I love what I do. But it constantly brings me back to that place I don’t want to be in.  I miss my dad in this way that I can’t explain. There is like this big hole in my life. This big hole in my heart and I just…. I just can’t figure it all out in my head. When do the tears stop? When does the pain stop? I should be over this by now. I think I should….. I don’t know. I gotta just move on from this.

Today was a rough day. I just did paperwork all day. Things are a little crazy in here with the fears here from the virus. This thing is, all I feel is indifferent. Cause If I die that means I don’t have to be here and feel this. But then I feel guilty all over again because then I would leave my son and he doesn’t do deserve that.

I just hate this.