And Now…..

Oh my god it has been such a long time since I have written. Almost like a full year. I guess because I wanted this journal I could carry around with me. Now, I’m like whatever, gotta get with the times.
I am going through such a hard time right now. The school situation is so difficult. I’m in my senior year so I got this internship and 4 classes. I’m still working full time and I’m in this Neighborhood help bullshit. It is ridiculous right now. I look at my life sometimes and I wonder what the hell am I doing? I already have this amazing job, where I make $50,000 a year- why am I pushing to be this social worker? I don’t know, it’s like this thing in me that I just can’t explain. Right now I’m interning at this Domestic Abuse/Sexual Abuse agency and I am having a good time right now. I’m learning so much about people and what I think about certain issues. I feel like I’m fighting for these woman who cannot fight for themselves and that has value to me even if monetarily it doesn’t.
I’m in the middle of this confusing thing right now that I am seriously struggling with. I don’t know how to move forward or beyond it. Katrina tells me that she wants what Johan and I have and I want to laugh in her face because she just doesn’t get it.   What Johan and I have makes me feel wretch and stupid most days, I just don’t get this dude and this drama has been going on for like 3 months now. He’s at the bedside having the nurses call me and if I have to call him to the bedside he come up in the unit, see’s me and gets this big ass smile on his face. He’s at the bedside coming behind me, leaning against me. He’s madly flirting with me and we been having all of this drama going on for the last 3 months and then –nothing. He don’t ask me out, he don’t make any move at all. So I’ll back up a little and then he’ll do something or say something like telling me I need a house physician in my life just to bring me back in. Every weekend I work with him and it is always something. He’s not the player type. He’s very shy and quiet- except with me. He talks to me and he’s been hanging out in the unit more than he ever has- but only when I’m there. Even Katrina like he never comes and recheck his patients except when I’m there. There was a incident when me and Crystal was going to breakfast and we ran into him in the parking lot and he got this smile on his face that make Crystal be like damn! I ain’t never seen him smile like that! I went home early one night and the look on his face when he found out was priceless. Then he said I couldn’t go home because he needed me. I just laughed it off. A couple of weeks ago I decided to take a huge step back and establish that professional relationship only, that respiratory to house physician relationship, treat him like I would treat any other house physician and that did not work well at all. Whenever we were at the bedside he was so nervous and frustrated, and he had trouble intubating. Then he would keep looking me in my face, like searching my face for…. Something, I don’t know, but I would refuse to look at him. I didn’t do the things I use to do like have his gown and mask, or give him the encouragement or help him in making decisions. I just did my job only, had all the equipment ready, and that shit just did not go well. Intubating with him and working with him was very difficult that weekend. It was a nightmare. Because in the ICU/CCU your night goes as good as the house physician will let it. If he has difficulty doing his job, then you will have problems doing yours. That is just the way it is with the ICU Respiratory Therapist and the house physician. So the next weekend I was like I’m going to help him professionally but put the brakes on everything else. Easier said than done. Once I went back to being the way I use to be, he went back to doing his job like normal. No problems with the intubations, my night went pretty well. We work well together. He prefers me at the bedside over everyone else because I know what he wants when he wants it and I can anticipate his needs. But that comes from working with this dude every weekend- 12 hours per day for 2 days. So once I did that- he went back to his usual behavior. I’m leaning on the arm of the bed counting breaths and he comes behind me, put his chest against my back and just stays there- in front of everybody. When he comes to the bedside, whatever side of the bed I am on, that’s the side of the bed he’s coming to and he stands so close he’s like shoulder to shoulder with me and this is all the time. Calls himself “assisting me” in bullshit that he knows very well I can do by myself, that I normally do by myself, that every other house physician will leave you to do by yourself, and that he leaves every other respiratory therapist to do by themselves like blood gases and pulling the tube out and uses this time to quiz me on my life. But he will not step to me. It is annoying. It is so annoying. Then, when someone mentions my name and boyfriend in a sentence, his head pops right up to listen. I mean, SERIOUSLY? It is RIDICULOUS. I feel like I’m in the 5th grade with this dude. Crystal thinks it has something to do with that fact that he is from Peru and is white and I am black. Now – this could be true because he is fresh off the boat Peru, haven’t been here for too long. He’s so shy and quiet that dating a black girl may be out of his realm. But why is it when I try to establish perimeters he can’t just stay behind them?