so glad its over

im so glad chirstmas is over. honestly, the last chirstmas i enjoyed was when my dad was still here…his last chirstmas 5 years ago, almost 6.

it was my first chirstmas here in new york. this doesnt feel like home and i still have omg moments. like ill be on the subway and ill be like holy shit i live in NYC and im sure i get this stupid grin on my face. this is my home and i know im supposed to be here because as much as it doesnt seem like it…im happier here than i ever was in IL. i like being on my own even if im struggling. i know i spend my money poorly, i know im bad with all that but im working on it.

unfortunately i have no one to share this with. i miss being close to someone. i want to share my experience with someone and i want them to understand how big of a deal this is to me.

i talked to my ex today, hes doing good and im happy. his brother got engaged his family hates me…they blame me for what he did and they hate me for leaving him. it makes me laugh cause i didnt leave him for what he did…even if that was enough for me to leave him. i left because he was no longer there for me when i needed him.

i should of went to the doctor 2 months ago to make sure everything is still gone. im too scared, i dont want to know if its back. i dont want people to know something is wrong with me…i want people to stop treating me weird…i dont like people knowing what i have/

this is random but i dont care…my dad and i were born 4 days apart…were both tauruses  and im a lot like my dad…my sister and my mom were born 5 days apart but they are 2 different signs and have very little in common…but i always wanted a tattoo to remember my dad. i didnt want it obvious..one of the birds on my back is for him because i know hes always got my back and im getting the taurus symbol on my wrist because he and i were both so much like our sign. its something we share. i know its little and to most people it means nothing but to me it means  alot.  its been almost 6 years and im not over it. i still think about him almost everyday and talking about it or him still makes me cry.

i hope one day i can love chirstmas like i used to. i got to see sweeney todd so that was good..amazing movie i really liked it.

i guess thats it…maybe the new year will be better?