is it 2008 yet?

the beginning of 2007 was horrible…basically my entire life was turned upside down and i was forced to try and salvage what i could. I left my fiance i just couldnt be unhappy with him anymore. everything that we had been planning had been taken away our house and our wedding and i fought so hard to keep everything together but everyone was against me. its hard to keep fighting when no one is fighting with you…he wasnt fighting with me he was getting worse. All he did was work and all i did was wish he was there.

then in april/may i found out i needed surgery and i had to beg him to be there for me. beg, crying, pleading. He finally caved but i shouldnt of had to do that. he was never there but my friend was and i had loved him for that. it took two people and a whole lot of soul searching to get myself to leave him. but i made it simple i made an escape. I decided to move. if i was gone he couldnt get me he couldnt win me over…he couldnt do anything i was in control and i would be in control of my life again.  I figured if i had left that i could start all over and discover how to be happy. i had fallen in love with someone and wanted to be with them…so why not move closer to them? and i did.

in august i packed up my things got an apartment and moved to NY. it wasnt what i had expected. he wasnt there. it wasnt like he and i had planned. it ate at me everyday. everyday i would wake up and he wouldnt be there. and i would ask him over and over when are you coming home. and he could never give me an answer. if he gave me a day it would get pushed back. i had lost hope in him which made me lose hope for us. but i fought. i fought for him and everyday my heart still fights my brain over him.

here i am now in december in my apartment that is 800 miles away from everything i left behind. I know that i needed to leave that all behind i know that i needed to move on and i did. but im here and everyone from before seems to be gone. He still makes promises that we’ll be friends and that he will be around more. but hes not. and i still love him and still want him. Im trying to move on seeing as i am in the one place i love but with no one to love.

i was supposed to have a perfect little house with a perfect little dog and a husband with a decent job that would love and support me. Now i have a shitty little apartment, a crazy diva hamster, and the one i love i cant be with. all of this bugs me. I feel like my year has been a waste and i was beaten to death by the bad luck stick.

heres to hoping 2008 wont be so bad to me. Maybe for once i can find what i crave, do what i want, and hope love finds me.

hoping i dont lose the few people close to me because that alone would destroy me.

im not sure that is bad to hope that he still comes home and that he and i can do what we were meant to do. I wish he could see it, but maybe i have to move on for him to realize that.

hoping i go to school and make something of myself

hoping i dont give up