Determination….no Motivation

What do you do if you have so much determination but no motivation? What if your life seems to be changing rapidly but there is nothing you can do to slow it down?

it seems to me like everyone i thought i knew is no longer that person. People i felt close to are now gone. The life i had so much hope for seems wasted. I think ive always had the problem of having too much hope in other people so ive learned to build a wall and not trust people. I know that the wall wont help me but i cant help it. I cant stand getting hurt anymore or feeling like i cant trust someone. so, why not trust no one?

Ive applied for school, transcripts are sent in. Im looking for a new job because the stress of mine just is not worth it. You would think my boss would get it that people are leaving or constantly calling in sick randomly on like a wednesday then they are perfectly fine on thursday. I know that between the hours of 2pm and 10pm that i work my damn best and i do all that i can, that i help whoever i can (no im not always nice about it and i will give you crap but I WILL HELP) But once that clock hits 10 IM DONE i dont give a shit about it anymore.

Recently i was informed that our LPC has decided to leave, hes new he tried to make changes but no one will listen to him. he made prsentations! I saw him try so many times and get shot down. Since a lot of people called out lastnight he had to run color or do other things so i kind of took over his job of taking in orders. It was great really and i didnt mind doing it. Now that he is leaving i have the option to take his position. Here is my problem. IF i do decide to take it, i know damn well i will also be doing my same job but with LPC responsibilities which is not humanly possible. It will also mean working a 10 hour shift (or 12 cause he NEVER leaves on time) and having fridays off. I might get paid 2 dollars more (MIGHT) so honestly is that worth it? IF i could keep my same hours i might be able to swing it, cause once i start school it just wont work.

my other issue is, if i do decide to get a new job i will most likely be working 8:00-6:00 or 9-5 something like that which will make going to school hard and i really cant afford to give up my weekends for my sanities sake….so now im trying to make all these decisions while trying to stop having panic attacks…is it honestly worth my health?? i dont know what to do…and i feel so distant from everyone in my life…

all i wanna do is lay in bed and play videogames /sigh