dad/religion

I wish I loved him. I also wish I had an actual relationship with him. he has been in pain recently & I don’t know I just feel bad… I often wonder how im going to feel once he dies. I don’t think id be sad but I would freeze. my relationship with him started going downhill my freshmen year go high school. he constantly kept me trapped & wouldn’t let me enjoy simply a football game with friends or grab lunch with them after school. my life was school & home. I would always sneak out of school & ditch just to see people because that was my freedom… also sneaking out from my house. I feel like that’s the way I am too because I’ve never experienced simply being allowed to be out. I always had to lie or sneak a way around it. it was so exhausting & people got sick of us just being school friends so slowly but surely I lost all my friends. but this isn’t what really ruined our relationship. religion is what really put a X on it. when my dad was younger he always lived an amazing life. by 19 he was in Germany with friends starting a life for himself & enjoying the freedom of living alone. he lived in whole different country. I cant even imagine going somewhere 24 miles from where I live without him crying. anyways my dad has THE life he was always out & had three successful companies under his name & he was basically young & wild. now he is 56 & four years he decided he wants to repent for his actions & get closer with god. I have no comment on that. that is his relationship with gos & his faith I would never drop my two cents on how he wants to live his life. but ever since then he became a literal religion freak. all he talks about is religion. every single topic is about religion no joke & if it isn’t he finds a way to lure back to that topic. its frustrating especially because im not on the same journey as his. he now tries to force us to become religion freaks when he was our age he was out living his life doing whatever he pleases. I feel like im not explaining how much he is obsessed with religion but he is. TOO much. I’ve seen it with  eyes people slowly distancing from him because all he want to talk about is if we don’t follow god or his rules were all rotting in hell. I don’t like this topic or talking about death or the after world. im not ready yet & im not open to know all that stuff yet. I want to become religious when I feel like im ready. I believe in god & everything my dad tells me but its not my whole life. I should be out there having fun but im too scared now. im scared to have sex. im scared to drink. im scared to even kiss a boy and I still haven’t even lived yet. why does he force things like this onto us. it makes me hate him. he’s so religious he finds out personal details about me. like personal. for instance he’d start finding out when I wanted to sneak out. then found out that I smoke nicotine. then found out I smoke weed. BUT HE IS THE REASON. he’s the reason id smoke. id have to smoke to escape this pathetic lifestyle he has given me. he doesn’t understand & he never will.