cant accept

so if someone were to ask me how I am right now I would say that I am completely fine. and I do feel that way. I am actually ok. but I also know its because I don’t allow myself to process things. I just burry them and never revisit the topic again. I have dealt with so much trauma and none of it really affects me. I know everything is stuffed down and that I didn’t actually get passed anything which scares me. I know it’ll affect me in the future. it affects me now. im not like everyone my age I feel like im 24. I feel like im too fucked up to even fix. some things that I’ve dealt with I didn’t even realize I was dealing with until I grew up and became more mature. like for example I got raped and that word even coming out my mouth feels so foreign. like no way that actually happened to me. it didn’t happen in the sense everyone thinks it does but it did at the same time. I never talk about it with anyone but I want to now over here. but for some reason im scared. I feel like typing it makes it so official. I was a kid that night. not even in the age to give consent. I kept saying no but some how it ended up happening. I said in one entry that I ended up agreeing but I don’t believe I did. this happened years ago for me to remember. but no means no. why did he have to keep nagging at me. why couldn’t he just let it go and accept my answer. instead he did it to me as I was terrified. I wasn’t even happy about it. I wanted it to end as soon as it started. I remember lying and saying it really hurt when it actually didn’t just to get him to stop and I said stop but he said its normal to feel like this. I hate this day with a passion. I was so little ad didn’t have the strong voice that I have today. if this were to happen today and right now I would react so differently. so apart of me thinks maybe I deserved it and brought it upon myself. when I think about him my blood boils. what makes this all worse is that he’s my neighbor. I constantly see him when I desperately dont want to. everywhere I turn he’s there. like can he just fucking leave and find somewhere else to live. they’ve been renting the same house for three fuckin years. don’t the owners want it back already ???!!!!! I want this all to end. I feel like im just carrying weights on my shoulder.  I want to let the past go. I DID let the past go. but it still lingers onto me. after him I changed as a person. and that’s when everything started. I wish I wasn’t me. I wish I was a completely different girl. like why do I even have to exist in a world that has been so cruel to me. in a world that’s only shown me the dark side. I want to be happy. im fine but im not happy. im barely alive.