BROKEN…

Sorry I start this entry with such a sappy title. I’ll try to sound a bit more cheerful next time, but…let’s just face reality, shall we? The world is full of lies – and they’re just growing more and more unbearable by the day. People say one thing and do another. That’s how we are at times, isn’t that?

I’m not going to be holier-than-thou here; I sometimes lie too. Well, what can I say? I’m only human. I’m not perfect, although – unfortunately – there are always people out there demanding that I be. (That happens.)

This is the place where I meet myself halfway. It’s hard to be completely honest about your real feelings to the world around you. (Remember "Harriet The Spy"?) They can’t always accept it. (In fact, most of the time they won’t – despite what they say.)

Seriously, who are we kidding here?

How am I doing? These days?? So-so, I guess. I could tell you that on the outside, I am so together – but broken up inside.

Why?

Again, after I’ve been trying to hold this back, I finally have to admit it here:

I’m in love. I’m in love with someone I never planned to be. (I didn’t ask for any of these feelings. I never wanted any of them. Hence, here they are now – stronger than any painkillers I’ve ever taken but, ironically, much more painful than a migraine attack!)

I’m in love with someone who belongs to another. Obviously, I don’t stand a chance at all. I never even have in the beginning. Why? I never even want to try. That dumb idea is out of the question.

She seems an amazing person. He loves her so. They look so good and happy together. Why would I ever want to ruin that, even for my own selfishness?

I’m in love with someone who thinks I’m an amazing friend. (Shame on me. If only he knew.) Someone who is leaving next month and never coming back, because the weather and the pollution here have physically hurt him a lot.

I’m in love, although I’m also not really sure if this is love. Am I just lonely? Is this just another dumb phase that I keep going through and still don’t know how to avoid? Will I ever get away from this?

I’m in love, but I’m not supposed to be. Not with him, anyway.

However, I still want to remain friends with him. I care about him this much. As an (amazing?) friend, I keep quiet about this – praying that he’ll be re-settling well back home soon and the love of his life is coming there with him too.

I just want these sad feelings to go away. Care to pray that for me? Thanks if you do.

R.