Its so windy

Its so windy out here in the Inland Valleys I hate it, we should be getting some shower but migh be.  I went to the doctor today and they took me off the ability and I am still on the  zoloft and no longer on the prozac.  Which is better because I was taking to many meds already.
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A while back I had an affair, I cheated on J and it wasnt even worth it.  This lasted about 6 months until J found out and he almost beat the crap out of me.  But I threatend him with the police so we had this big whole drama going on.  At the end he made me promise him that I didnt go all the way with this other person,. it hurted me to see J and knowing he really did love and is willing to work it around me  promise him that I didnt go all the way. So I promised him to make him feel better, I am sorry I made a mistake but I was in need of   love that J wasnt giving.  I made a mistake, should I held that against me forever? I dont know if I can or will.  This other person calls me and then tells me not to call him back but he calls me first and then when I call he says not to call damn its obvious he cant stop thinking of me.  And I cant stop neither.
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I have not started any of my Chrsitmas shopping have you all?  I really just dont have the funds till the 15th so that has to wait.  I see everyone doing their Chrismtas shopping its just blah for me.  I felt so bad today my daughters wanted to go to  a Disney trip which was 65 from school and I told them no cause both of them would have to go and its alot.  They were broke hearted but they understood.  I just dont want them to hate me or ever say I am an awfull mom.