Where am I?

a very good question / and where have i been? / really still right here in northern ohio with the love of my life annie / but a lot has happened since i wrote here with regularity and purpose of mind / purpose being to appease an old need in me that i have never quite found a way to satisfy…

it was 4 days short of a year ago when the “asteroid” hit / i was carrying a computer down a flight of stairs and missed a step / crashing to the concrete basement floor and breaking my foot / leg in 3 places / fast forward / surgery /stainless steel pins and braces and screws / 90 days in wheel chair with no weight bearing / then rehab / fast forward / i am still struggling daily with pain and stamina / i am still unable to perform many normal tasks that were ordinary before the asteroid / i am terrified that i may never regain my former vitality /Annie and i will probably go out to eat and celebrate “asteroid day” this friday / make lemonade when given lemons…

otherwise / life such as it is does continue / but it has been a difficult time for both of us / we have had to make the best of it / and certainly it could have been much worse / but there have been some unanticipated changes as well / changes that may have their roots in my disability / or perhaps they are the inevitable result of time in a marriage / but things that were once so natural and automatic seem to now be an effort / or impossible / when did simple joyful things we once shared in our relationship get so complicated? / have we both simultaneously lost our balance? / is this just a bump or is this something more chronic?

Kara is living with us again / she is wonderful but we no longer have the degree of privacy we used to enjoy / Annie’s folks have had all sorts of medical issues / we have had to expend a lot of energy and focus there too / the weather has been horribly wet and cold / maybe it is just a convergence of pressure / but we had these sorts of things to deal with before as well…

is it me? / maybe it is just me / maybe i have always been a bad listener / hearing and seeing and believing only that which brought me joy / or maybe i have become so good at denial that no matter what i see or hear / it makes no difference / i am caught up in a sense of loss and despair and self that makes it difficult to stay above the game / sight as if from a distance / perspective / is nowhere to be found for me now…

and memory can be a strange and often selective thing / i think it is quite possible that i at least have a very confused and distorted recollection of the last 7 years…

we seem to both be in serious need / we have both been struggling to get back that which we believe we once had from one another…

we seem powerless…

make no mistake / we adore one another / and there is no doubt we will prevail here / but given a choice / people do what they want to do and avoid that which they do not / this has always been for me an inescapable human truth / if you want to understand a person’s real likes and dislikes / just observe their behavior…

so i think maybe i’ll spill my words out here again for a while and see what comes / i need a chance to collect my thoughts / this page has never changed / i have always known just what to expect when i come here / and i know my diary will always be the same / no matter how much of a fool i make of myself…