things i will never be

yeah i know / i have not been here in ages / i have no excuse / but i have a good reason / i don’t want to put things down here unless i think i have something worth saying / and tonight i was struck with one of those holy crap moments / and not a nice one either…

some background is in order…

my lovely and prolific wife Annie is an avid reader / she will / on a typical week / read 4 or 5 books / usually from the library / this in addition to going to school / juggling family obligations (daughters / siblings / parents) / and waiting on me hand and foot…

i on the other hand / tend mostly to read news and technical material / mostly on line / occasionally in book form / much of this is related to my job / i am on line 10 hours each day which means that when the monitor goes to screen saver / the last thing i want to do is to read more…

i do occasionally read strictly for pleasure / this seems to occur in fits and starts / i’ll go for a few weeks / voraciously devouring anything in print that might be available around the house / not putting it down until i finish it…

well i have just come through one of these periods / it all started innocently enough / on Annie’s recommendation i picked up a copy of Stephen King’s The Stand at the library / the unabridged edition / i hadn’t read anything really for pleasure in a long time / so why not?

well 1200 pages later i finished it  / but i felt as if i was just getting started / it’s a great read / lots of words / it sure held my interest / but i was also exhausted / as if i had just gone through the emotional wringer…

so what do i do? / i go back to the library and pick out a copy of his Under the Dome / another 1100 pages / gripping and imaginative for sure / but again exhausting to go through…

i think i will take a break for a while from fiction…

but what has this got to do with my title?

i know now i will never write…

or more accurately / i will never be a writer…

and writing was my last resort / my last hope of finding a creative outlet for which i might have some talent…

and it finally hit me this week / i need to simply accept it / that there are thousands of things i will never do / or be / that once i believed was possible / indeed i used to believe a lot of things…

like authority figures / experts if you will / knew what was going on / that there were people that had all the answers / and there were those upon whom  one could depend to get help or fix things…

boy was i wrong / sure / there are people who know how to speak Mandarin / and make a soufflé / and play the cello / and i recognize i will never be able to do those things / i’m ok with that / but it’s people that you once thought could make everything all right / people that you could go to that would make the world play fair / like doctors / attorneys / politicians / spiritual leaders…

now i think that i am on my own / physician heal thyself / they have no secret powerful knowledge / the emperor has no clothes / i am profoundly alone and sad…

i am just mourning my loss of  innocence / loss of youth…

and i’ll never be those things either…

i’ll come back here again when i have something else to say…

until then i’ll keep reading / i can be a reader / i guess that’s something…

 

k Mandarin / and make a soufflé / and play the cello / and i recognize i will never be able to do those things / i’m ok with that / but it’s people that you once thought could make everything all right / people that you could go to that would make the world play fair / like doctors / attorneys / politicians / spiritual leaders…
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now i think that i am on my own / physician heal thyself / they have no secret powerful knowledge / the emperor has no clothes / i am profoundly alone and sad…

i am just mourning my loss of  innocence / loss of youth…
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and i’ll never be those things either…
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i’ll come back here again when i have something else to say…
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until then i’ll keep reading / i can be a reader / i guess that’s something…