Just Belief
I’m feeling a little unsettled today and just need to wander a bit. Bear with me okay? I usually have a fair handle on my world in the sense that I am reasonably comfortable. Usually there’s no impending sense “doom”. But once in a while something about my awareness changes. A faceless anxiety comes flooding in like magma. And although I am certain it’s only another adventure in brain chemistry, it’s precisely that reason that I am unable to climb above it and take it all in as I believe I should. It’s like remote desk top except I’m trying to control myself from outside but I’m not responding.
It makes me wonder who is driving the train.
Where and what the hell am I?
Years ago, my job required me to handle classified documents and have a security clearance with the government. Also at the time my ex wife insisted I “get professional psychological help” if we were to remain married. “Mental instability” is a big red flag to the NSA. The short story is that I very nearly lost my clearance. I very nearly lost my job. I very nearly lost my sense of self. I did lose my marriage.
The experience had a profound effect on my view of psychiatry and self awareness. Also, as it turns out, “losing” my first wife was among the best things that could have happened. But I was entirely unable to realize or integrate that data.
What’s my point in all this?
I believe I have gained some perspective on what life means.
But the only thing you can know is what you feel.
Everything else is just belief.
“What my point in all this?”
Sometimes, I just wish I could be sure that I had a point in all this.
Warning Comment
Remote desktop just means you are pressing the buttons instead of the local user. Remote desktop fails when it tries to connect to itself. What if you had an app on a device that let you control what you want? Little sliders to decrease desire for sweets, increase desire for vegetables, decrease mischievous tendencies, increase desire to be helpful or nice to others? Now that would be self-control.
Warning Comment
I have days or times, like this ,too. I sometimes feel like , when I look in the mirror, I have to actually say aloud, “This reflection is Lois, this is ME. If I say “This is you, ” then I think, it’s NOT me, lol. But, I digress. In any case, those times are unnerving and unsettliing, as you said. Try eating if you haven’t or drinking more water. Those things won’t “stop” those feelings, but, can’t hurt, either. My mama used to say something to me, if I felt sad or hurt over someone doing or not doing something with/to/ me: “Wash your face, and go for a walk.” I usually did NOT do what she said. I thought it was stupid, and why do I have to wash my face? Made no sense to me. But, once, as a woman in say, my 30’s, I DID wash my face. That felt really good, lol. Then I went for a walk. I was thinking about the “episode with that friend, ” and then I thought, “I don’t think I’ll figure this out, so, the heck with it, “. I tried to then, focus on the park where I was walking, and kids playing, flowers, people walking dogs. It was kinda’ nice. By the time I went home, I DID feel better and had a brighter or more hopeful outlook. Oh well, I hope YOU feel better very soon.
Warning Comment
I tell myself “change your thoughts” like turning a channel. Do my breathing exercise. Then I have better moments long enough to get back to relaxing till it starts again. Then its rinse repeat. Because life continues on so we gotta too. Left foot right foot …
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