inside out

i have always been internal to a large degree / it’s not surprising / being an “only child” / interesting phrase “only child” don’t you think? / it brings with it much too much potential color while the accepted definition is really quite specific and mundane / i digress…

as a kid living inside my head / i could and would occupy myself for hours on end in my room in fantasy and imagination / perhaps this played a role in my difficulty with school / my focus was quite often somewhere else…

i suppose there have been times this dream propensity has served me well / it has helped me view problems in original ways / perhaps leading to creative solutions / i still like that about myself / but it also came with a nearly constant consciousness of my own existence / an awareness that has not come without cost…

these days (and especially nights) i find myself spending increasing energy trying to smother my tumbling internally focused thoughts / in favor of an external world / a place where i can safely turn my intense gaze without flinching from the uninvited terror of realizing my own being…

it’s often horrifying in here / and peeling potatoes is becoming more and more difficult / tiring…

i’m going home

don’t need a compass
i’ll know when i get there
it’ll be better than it really was
just like i remember it…

i’ll be there for supper
my grandfather’s fried chicken
it was probably greasy
i thought it was better…

my room will still be there
just like i left it
a safe place to hide
from reality…