Don’t Feel Obligated

to read this entry / i simply need to air it out today as it were / my alone-ness feels overwhelming / it is crushing //

i’ve spent years searching for a source of wisdom / a guru / a teacher i can believe understands ideas i do not / one that can guide me and discuss what i see and show me my errors objectively / i am terrified i will never find this “one” / that i will spend eternity alone //

i have so many questions / how is it that i see and believe things that those around me do not? / how am i alone in my visions? / hallucinations? / what’s the real difference? / is what i see and believe of any value? / is it substantial? / or just the thoughts of a drying worm in the sun on the sidewalk after a downpour? //

yeah I know / i get snickers all the time /  patronizing smiles / dotage comments more frequently now //

and yes i am an escaped mental patient from an institution back in the peoples republic of Massachusetts //

were my “keepers” right? / am i sick? //

do i really know how to stop global warming? / solve the energy crisis by constructing a cellular network of vertical axis wind turbines? //

do i really understand Karl Friston’s “Free Energy Principle” and Markov’s “Blankets”? // and that Friston is overlooking some basic assumptions which need addressing before he can claim credibility? / for example how can a biological unit have expectations? / where are the credentials stored? / what mechanism could have possibly caused this come into being? //

and what about “The Prime Commandment” that instructs us that every living thing marches to the same DNA concert that is really a time capsule which carries a message too advanced for our dim awareness to comprehend? / and in who’s hand is it written and to whom is it addressed? / “The Prime Commandment” is the source of every behavior and predilection in humanity as well as all other “living” entities / a grand social unification of sorts? //

and why is it so simple and obvious? //

the only thing we can know is what we feel / everything else is only belief / feeling is the drum beat of “The Prime Commandment” / belief is all we have left to our pathetic feeble intellect //

and time? / simply / time is how our brains integrate change / we don’t really sense the passage of anything / we chronicle any change in our environment our senses report to us / once entropy averages out the universe and all the fuel has been expended / nothing will ever change again and from our perspective (not that anyone will still be around to observe the event) time will stop //

or is it all an illusion that floats between our ears and really nothing is knowable / even that which we feel is just belief)? //

it’s exhausting to have this relentlessly roaring in my mind //

i should turn myself in / they did have some fine meds back there / and I have heard it said that ignorance is bliss / ah yes / bliss / blissful blissity bliss bliss bliss/ i’m outta’ here ///