Man, there’s definately no hope for me

There are days when re reflect, and there are days when we hastily put away everything we’re thinking inside a box. Sometimes there are days where you hold close your favorite stuffed animal and pull the lid off that box, and pull out intense emotional shit. I had the later of the two experiences. I came home from school in a thoughtful mood and proceeded to recollect on the past couple weeks. ( now from this point on, please read with caution) *I am not a player and have never dated more then one guy at a time* – " i call them suitors, makes me sound like a choice)

so: long winded explanation aside: I’ve gotten really close to an ex, hung out with a best friend’s ex a lot, and yes sorta made it official with a guy I should have just stayed friends with, not to mention pissing off another of my male suitors in the process. Now they do all have names but I’ve changed them in order to conceal their identities.

lets start at the beginning, the EX. lets call him larry. So larry and I caught up over the summer and he started to tell me how sorry he was.. yadda yadda. I listened. After being really sincere, he offered to take me out to coffee. I was floored. He truly wanted to connect with me and was being generally honest about opening up. needless to say, I said yes. I had a wonderful time. Not having seen him in 3 almost 4 years really changed my perspective on what type of guy he was becoming. At this point we now talk regularly through both calls and emails and he is genuinely happy to have me back in his life.

Now my good friend’s ex, another guy, lets call him Arnold. Arnold and I started talking via Facebook and he invited me out to a social gathering. I agreed and had a great time hanging with him and my mutual friend. The party ended and he asked for my number. I was surprised. I gave it to him anyways.He called later in the week and we hung out together alone. He drove me up to a pretty place and showed me a few of his favorite scenic places. We watched the sunset together and then went to a movie. It was a fun experience, and even though he is my friends ex, I don’t feel any remorse about hanging with him.

yes… the actual boyfriend. Lets call vander. I like that. sounds dangerous. anyways.. Vander and I met at the theater and we hit it off as friends. I liked him, and he showed mutual attraction for me and we happily found ourselves together many a night. We had common interests and common food likes and dislikes so it made it even easier to hang with him a lot. Vander is really easy going and he offsets all of my negative traits. For that I’m eternally grateful. I love spending time with him, but he doesn’t know about the other suitors.

Last but not least, the guy who has been through it all. Let’s call him Greg. So greg and I met, when a good friend of mine dated his older brother. we used to go on double dates where my older best friend would sit next to his older brother and hang, or make out and Greg and I would chill and talk and in some cases write notes, emails, and do random amusing shit. He was like a brother to me. we once spent a 3 hour party playing ping pong and rationalizing each other’s moves. I had so much fun with him, as I got older things started to become a tad bit more serious. He started to fall for me. That’s not a bad thing, I was totally flattered, It only occurred after I’d said yes to vander’s offer and decided to go steady. when Greg found out about vander, he started slowly retreat, leaving mostly memories and short emails in the wake.

* yes* this was what I thought about today* I sat on my bed, and half dozed half dreamed and contemplated the last couple weeks as all this has happened. Three more weeks and I turn 18. How many more decisions lie in the future, where will college lead?

I do not know yet, what to do or how to fix what has already occurred. I may be stuck for a while.