Someday I Will Know

Two jobs, two homes, three sets of friends and a family life to juggle. Most days I can’t tell if I’m more physically exhausted, or more mentally and emotionally. I find I don’t have sufficient outlets, even in writing; I’m not giving myself enough of /something/, but I can’t put my finger on what exactly. I’m not having sex with my boyfriend, I’m not smoking weed, and drinking is just a band aid laced with toxins. Actually, I feel like I’m living my life to please everyone but myself. The problem is, I don’t know what I want anymore (except to be thin. That much has never changed.)

I’m not even 6 months to 30 years old, and already I feel too tired to keep going. By renting this additional room so that I can have space, prove to my friends that I’m not a slave to my boyfriend’s emotions, and live peacefully, I feel like living a double life because half the time I actually am over at his place, trying to appease him and prove to him we /can/ live separately while flourishing as a couple. Even though I’m not sure we are. Mostly, we’re just stressed out because he’s stressed out. So I escape by coming to my house down the road. It’s a vicious cycle. The truth is, I wanted to have the best of both worlds. I feel content in this house. But I love my little family of my boyfriend and two cats. But our relationship hasn’t changed and that’s the truth. I might be better off leaving him. I don’t know what the right answer is, despite everyone and their mother telling me what I should do.

I also think it would be best to hang out with friends less often. The key to a healthier life first lies with quitting alcohol. It’s really hard to do either of those things together. My bf K also drinks a lot and chain smokes. Sometimes I think I should check into a rehab just to remove myself from my toxic life.

I’m discovering my interests in ‘The Craft’ of natural medicine and being a ‘kitchen witch’ so to speak. I’m working on building my supplies and today I made this concoction of ginger, lemon, cayenne, honey and basil which I steeped in a jar and put outside to sun soak. I’m learning from my roommates about making my own salves, lotions and tinctures and it’s been really exciting. K doesn’t have an interest in anything I do, especially this. And I kind of wonder if he’ll see that and just…let me go. Which I’m guilty of wishful thinking. It’s just that, he did try to make me choose between this house and him and I couldn’t, because he said I am “his whole world” and it would break his heart if I left him. And it would break mine too. I wish I knew. I hope the answer becomes more abundantly clear. The more time I spend in this house, I think it will.