Where The Boys Are.

 My entire life is spent on a train and thank god for it. It’s the only time I ever feel alone or still. I sit and obsessively listen to one or two songs over and over and accidentally catch eyes with strangers several times, then feel guilty for looking. I audition so much and because of that I never have any money. I haven’t gotten any real satisfaction – professional, personal, sexual, political – in a long time. It’s not anyone’s fault. I have been paused for a few months now. I really never thought I would ever see a day when I didn’t know what the next step was. Maybe I never thought I’d have more than one appealing option. Sometimes I wonder if i’m listening to my heart or if i am just lazy and subconsciously want to stay right where I am. That can’t be true, though. 

I always say to Adam that I forget all the time why I chose to be an actress. But that’s not an entirely accurate statement. I know why I chose it; it’s the only thing when I was 17 that I was any good at. It didn’t start out as a constant search for myself. Which sounds awful, and I wish a better way to put it existed. I think what I forget is that I actually love it. And that I am actually different.

Different from what or whom, I guess, is the question. I don’t know how to answer it, either.