In Repair.

I sometimes wonder if it’s bad for the soul to be away from a beach for too long. It’s been a few years since I’ve heard the ocean and sometimes I can feel it when I lay down to sleep at night.

I calm my paranoia by thinking of life in terms of character. If I am afraid Adam will get into a car accident on his 4 hour drive, I will remove myself from the situation and think about his story in its entirety, the way I see fit. He is not the kind of person who would die in a car crash. Therefore, I am comforted. That is the only kind of logic I’ll ever use within fear. Sadly, I do see myself as the kind of person who would die in a car crash. Or train wreck, mugging, etc. And the only time more likely than this semester that it would happen is when I become pregnant with my first child a decade down the road or so. The more tragic, the more likely, I suppose is what I’m saying. I am about to graduate college and move into a beautiful apartment somewhere in Manhattan. I have the two best roles of my theatrical experiences coming up this semester, which I’d never dreamed I’d have the privilege. I am in love and in a stable, healthy relationship with a man who wants to marry and grow old with me. I’ve just gotten my bartending license, which will allow me to be financially independent, have a job that I actually enjoy, not to mention a nightlife for once in my life. And to top it all off, I am developing this wonderful attitude towards the future with all of this to look forward to. This is the most dangerous semester for unexpected death, you see.

If it sounds like i’m only being half serious, that may be true.

Adam and I are getting a dog when we graduate. I am also getting a hedgehog. Adam wants no part of that, however.

I dream of Alex more now than ever, and last night I cried about him for the first time in a month or so. Mostly because I’m in Manhattan and it makes me remember.

I’ve started drinking coffee again. In related news, I’ve discovered I feel most like myself when I’m sleep deprived. Strange.

I worry about my father dying lately, which is more or less indirectly worrying about my mother’s well being.

I’d like to travel somewhere, sometime soon. Tell me where.