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7:31am
Clarence actually slept all night! He’s still sleeping now so another peaceful morning for me 🙂 yay! I wonder if Clarence actually did wake up and Danny just took care of him for me. Im really lucky to have Dan because of moments like that. He works, helps me clean, helps me stay grounded, and helps me with the baby. I know thats just what he is supposed to do as a man.. but when I need him he’s there and compared to my other friends baby daddies and all of my exes, he’s a saint. I mean some girls went through their pregnancy puking alone, getting yelled at, getting cheated on, one of them was physically abused by hers. I prayed a lot throughout their relationship. Im also lucky god answered that prayer because I was genuinely worried about her getting murdered on day.
My cat is so damn loud its not even funny.
10:23am
This morning I had coco pebbles for breakfast. I noticed my boobs getting bigger yesterday but Dan said something about it today. Im glad i’m gaining some weight because I worry I will become weaker and weaker. I already can barely hold Clarence in his carseat. I don’t know how other mothers do it.
Right now i’m feeling guilty about my siblings and how I rarely talk to them anymore… they’re just kids what if they think somethings wrong with them? If I were rich id visit every other month and take them camping and stuff. Id have so much fun with them.. When my great grandmother passes (any minute since she’s in hospice and is 100) Im going back to iowa for the funeral and I think ill bring my paints to paint with my brothers.. As for my dads side.. I really don’t know.. I feel extra guilty about my sister because I know she thinks so highly of me.. She’s 10. And her dads probably dying and her mom has ms and her sister is just ignoring it all in Florida. I told her when she graduates she can move in with me if she wants.. That offer will still stand and I hope we can really get closer then.. idk.. i’m getting a lump in my throat writing this all out. I’m gonna go.
1:15pm
I wish people talked to each other more. Like the way my grandmother speaks to people. She can talk to a stranger as if they were an old friend and she’s never afraid to give a compliment or ask how someone is. We need more people like her. She’s an angel. I try to be like my grandma, sometimes I like to imagine her life in the 70’s and 80’s based on the photos iv’e seen. My grandma was a beautiful young hippie and she grew into a beautiful and kind grandmother as well. She accepts all kinds of people, she supports all kinds of people, she smokes weed sometimes, she’s like some kind of dog and baby whisperer, she eats healthy, she expresses her feelings so easily I love everything about her. She’s coming to visit soon I hope and we will smoke weed together for the first time!!! I’m really nervous about it but also excited because I know we will have a good time. So far she is my favorite thing i’ve wrote about in this.
I really like picking a color before typing because it takes me away from the other thoughts and I feel like I know myself a little better through this. Lately I feel like I lost myself, my purpose, my faith. Im not ignoring it I just can’t find my solutions. I want to be in a religion I believe in, I want to find purpose and spirituality and I think then i’ll know who I am or at least be more comfortable with who I am.
3:22pm
Im so bored… blah… I have a facemark on right now and I touched up my eyebrows. I really want to go to a coffee shop but I don’t have Clarences stroller. So far my plants aren’t above the ground yet.. Ugh.. What to do…
6:19pm
WIC called today and the phone call was overwhelming and nerve wracking. I’m so tired but i’m afraid to go to my bedroom because Clarence just fell asleep and I cant risk waking him because before he was asleep he screamed to the point where my jaw started hurting from teeth grinding. Dan says im afraid of everything. Not far off… Im fucking exhausted. Todays just not my day. I didn’t do the dishes like I wanted or anything really.. I think ill sleep on the couch now..