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8:04 am

I didn’t wake up to my baby crying this morning. I think for the sake of privacy i’ll rename him and my other family members for this. I hope I can keep up with them. Anyways, I want to go people watching again today. The past couple of days I’ve been checking out the coffee shops near me and just writing about the things and creatures I see. Maybe I’ll type them down on here and post them. People are sick, but we’re also so interesting. The thing we are best at doing is complicating things. I love it when it doesn’t involve me directly.

The most complicated thing in my life right now is my dad. Im not sure if he is going to die and I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or if god is doing this to end the suffering and abuse for my step mom and probably the rest of his kids. I tried talking to him the other day but he went on another rant on why women are horrible. Again. How can you love someone who you are embarrassed of. I came from someone who is racist, mean, sexist, homophobic, transphobic. I think thats why god made me a bisexual stubborn drug addict. Maybe it was karma or a chance for him to learn. He certainly wont take that chance to learn or grow but my karma point still stands. I just can’t believe I came from him sometimes. So much hate in one soul. It grosses me out at this point. But  a voice in my head asks if that is enough to turn your back on your own dad while he’s dying. Sometimes when I talk to my boyfriend about it he asks me what he’s done to reach out to me, how often he’s been there and all that and he’s right I mean I’m supposed to be the child it should be my job to keep the relationship going. My mom calls me almost every day. She’ll call to tell me something funny my brothers said or when she heard some good small town gossip. My mom knows all the gossip in that bum fuck town. 

I think I’ll go to the park instead of a coffee shop today so I don’t have to spend any money. I want to go now but the stroller is in the car at Dan’s job so i’m stuck at home with baby Clarence. I named my son Clarence on here based on the Cartoon Network show Clarence about a chubby kid who is kind to everyone. I chose Dan for my boyfriend because of his icon Danny Devito. 

10:47am

Clarence is down for his nap right now… I feel so unamused with my life its not even funny. I feel like my existence is just floating around my house and being a mom. I try to think of things to do but all I can think of is people watching and thrift shopping. I could go to Karma but the last time I went there I kind of became aware of how tense and uncomfortable I am in public and suddenly the whole trip felt like a waste of gas. Im not sure if a place is going to fix this problem anyways.. These ideas are bad. I miss Dan but I know he won’t have anything to offer to help… shit I kinda felt bad typing that part out.. He’s not stupid or anything I mean maybe he does know what I could do. Maybe Ill ask him when he get’s home..

What I really want to do is decorate. I don’t want to spend any money though so I think I’ll do some DIY research and create my own decor, if it’s possible. Im gonna do it even though I know I should clean haha

8:45pm 

Im currently watching my friends play this game Detroit become human. They let me take a nap and babysat my boy for an hour. It was a nice nap. Ive decided to color code this based on my emotion. Im feeling really calm right now, a little sleepy but I think teal is a really calm color. Makes me think of ocean sounds ya know? Im about to check up on some of these journal entries. Ive read so many from all kinds of people, I picture most of them older though.