Things I don’t have time to process

I’m feeling a little out of touch with reality today. Nothing a good long eventful week ending in sleeping in on sunday won’t fix…

Renn faire ended yesterday. That’s okay, because it doesn’t feel like a loss. I really appricate this year. I really enjoy the times that I’ve had, but I’m ready for this particular change to happen.  I attribute this calm and aquescience to the fact that it doesn’t feel like goodbye. It feels like this is suppose to happen. It feels like I’ll be back next year.

But there’s something else that I’m just starting to allow through my mental filters…. I’m remembering bits from last night. There are so many good bits that I want to dwell on: Watching Erin schmooze in a crowded room, seeing Scott and Nate (I love them and miss living with scott more than I can bare), Tiger grounding me cause I had too much beer… and then I got to play with her hair…. and stop myself from undoing her bodice to look at all her tattoos… Holding Sarah as it felt like ‘goodbye’ for her this year. Giggling with Erin on the car ride home and all the way into bed….

So many happy things I want to dwell on.

And so many happy things to come: Charlie Brown, Samhain rit, Scott’s party, Wine Night, Game Night, D&D…… The holidays.

But for one girl this holiday season will not be joyous or happy. For one girl in the world, the next couple of months are going to be devistating.

I was sitting at the table with Erin and others at the cast party when my phone started buzzing. It was my sister… at 9:30 on closing night of MDRF when she knew I’d be out…. it was my sister calling. My family generally has good sense about when I’m busy and when it’s important…. So I picked up.

"Hey what’s up?"
"Hey."
"Hey…. what’s up?"
"Did you get a text from Vicki?" (Vicki = my aunt. Her daughter, my cousin Lawren, is pregnant and due soon)
"No. Is everything alright with the baby?"
"Lawren lost the baby."
"Lawren lost the baby…" 
::Erin’s hand goes to her mouth in horror.:: 
"Yeah. She still has to birth it. They have to get it out of her. She’s at the hospital right now."
"Oh." 
"Yes. I just wanted to let you know in case you’d gotten the text."
"Thank you for letting me know. I’ll talk to you later." 

We hung up and I wasn’t really feeling much of anything. It felt sort of like when I heard that pop died. I’d already mourned the night before, so when I got the final news at 5am, I was just very blank and matter of fact about it. It didn’t hurt, although it felt sort of bad. It feels like that. To lose someone.

Lawren lost the baby.

The baby was supposed to be due by my birthday. I’m the only one Lawren talked to when she ran away. I was there. She knows I’m there, even when I’m not physically there. She’s my little cousin. She’s my monkey. I remember her being four years old and doing sumersults on me all day. There are videos of me carrying her around like Melissa and Angie use to carry me around when I was that age.

She’s my little cousin. Nothing bad is supposed to happen to her…. Yeah she’s gotten into some bad stuff… some gang stuff… she’s run away from home… yes she was pregnant at sixteen…. But she’s my little cousin.

When she got pregnant she called my mom and said "You did it aunt mona. You had nikki when you were a teenager. And now look at how things turned out. I can do it too." 

and I want to hurt. Because my little Lawren is hurting. And she’s hard on the outside.. She’s a tough kid. but stuff like this breaks people.

I should have been there for her. I don’t know how to be there for her now. What are the words to say…. what are the words to say….

I empathaize with people. Things happen, and I take on their sadness. I take on their hurt. I can understand better what they need if I feel what they feel.

I can’t feel that right now. I can’t do it. I want to process it… I want to be there and help her…. but I look at all of the stuff going on. I look at all the stuff that’s just ended. I don’t know how to process it without taking it all on.

I just need her to pull through this. She’s strong. She’s like me. She’s a strong girl.

….. But how do you pull out of something like this?