The need for an alpha female presence.

I told her.

I love her. and she is my wife. and we are together and we both need each other.

But I do expect her to be somehting she just isn’t. I need an alpha female presence as a constant in my life. I need to feel boundaries in a loving, but firm way. I need structure and routine and accountability. I need someone to stay two steps ahead of me.

My brain is very open and works very fast. As quickly as I come to odd conclusions, I then hypothesize, analyze, test, and then validate those conclusions. I am one person and so as I do this, I am often wrong. But without someone there guiding me, without someone to ask for help in keeping me on track…. I assume I can do it all on my own. And it’s just not so.

Erin provides very important and useful things in my life. However, she is closer to a gamma or omega than an alpha or beta.

The tricky part is this:  I need to find an alpha female who has that much control over me, who I’m not physically intimate with.

physical intimacy is something that erin and I struggle to understand in our marriage. We’ve become much better about sharing that with eachother. I’ve had much further understandings of what that means to each other…

and while we do consider ourselves poly, there is only so much understand that either of us have time or energy to give at times.

And I’m very incapable of setting boundary lines and sticking to them (hence the need for a more dominant presence). If Erin could feel comfortable in boundaries, then physical intimacy would once again be an option, and same with me feeling confident and safe within boundaries. It’s difficult to get to that part though. It’s also difficult to wait until some external force secures that point.

I’m thinking if I can take on a creative presence… someone who knows their art… and I could be important to them in an artistic way, that would fulfill my need for intimate ‘control’.

Erin and I have both talked throughly about this, and she agrees whole heartedly (in fact she first put it into those words).

So we’ve determined that we’ve both been growing and changing, and that we can’t give each other what the other needs at the moment, but we are together and we do provide for each other as spouces do. We plan a life together and move forward.

So that’s where we are at the moment. And how the hell do I find an alpha female to take me on…. (::Giggles:: Erin said ‘as a pet’ the other day and the counselor got a big kick out of that… but it’s true. Hell, perhaps I should consult the furry world… )