Alone

I don’t really have a will to write. Or to talk. Or to get my ‘feelings’ out at all. It’s easier to sleep. Or to fake it.

This week will be a difficult one. Erin is working 50+ hrs doing inventory at her job. Which will leave me home alone every night. Generally, I go out of the house every night, but we were planning and preparing for my soon-to-be-crazy-busy faire schedule… so I canceled all events and plans that usually occupy my time.

So I am alone.

Yesterday was the first taste. I realized that although I have many close people in my life, I do not have friends who I can just go to their place and crash for a while. I have friends who love me very much, but are far too far away. I have friends who are close, but when I go to them it generally requires a certain level of effort on my part to not offend them.

I am alone.

I’m sort of laughing at life and how cruel and harsh it teaching us. There are three people who are close by that generally calm me: Caroline, Jess, and Patches.

Caroline is my boss’s wife, therefore also tied up with inventory this week.

Jess is such a recent friend that it’s odd I could feel that free with her, and maybe I don’t have the right to. Either way, that friendship is kinda shot in the foot cause I did and said stupid things. So maybe that’s not as safe as I had thought. I wish it was, but it’s just not what is I guess.

Patches dissapeared. Not a word as to why. Just BLIP. right off the charts again. I hear she’s not dead. That’s a good sign I suppose. The last thing she said was that she wanted to talk to me about relationships or something.. and then she should have read my OD first…. and then NEVER SIGNED ON AGAIN…. wtf. At least tell me what you needed to tell me… have a conversation with me. But then again, she dissapears like she does and shuts me out because if she were to actually have a conversation with me, she wouldn’t be able to shut me out. She loves me. Even if she’s not in love with me, she knows what dissapearing each time does to me. It doesn’t mean she can stop it.. but she has to just go because if she gives me the chance to speak she knows I’ll say something that will make it impossible for her to go and she needs to be able to go. Perhaps it’s unfair of me. I know that it’s selfish. But I want her to stay.I want her to stay in a lot of ways.

Anyway… nothing seems effective in taking my mind off being alone. So I’m going to go read more Cerventes and throw myself into theater.