Ouch.

So, more situational humor for me to laugh at.  Started talking to this woman a few weeks ago, nice girl.  Talked to her all night every night for about two weeks, started to fall pretty hard for her.  Met up, had a nice time.  And then as all things go…there was someone else.  Ironically, the whole time there was someone else.  And of course I found out about this other person through my own means and she turned that around on me and made me feel like a stalker.

And then there was another girl that I started talking to a little over a week ago, again, nice girl, not really starting to fall or anything like that.  She’s from Philly, which is why I’ve been keeping my distance, and of course now she’s got other people asking her out on dates.

Just makes me wonder what’s so wrong with me.  Still can’t figure it out.  It’d be different if at some point something went contrary to this if even for a little while just to prove to me that maybe I’m not the complete screw up.  But no, without fail every single person every single time leaves me by the wayside.

After a year and a half of getting turned down it gets to you.

And I know no one except yourself can make you happy, blah, blah, blah.  Well, it’s not that I’m unhappy, I’m just lonely.

I just want someone to share my experiences with and have a good shoulder to cry on, and share my happiness and sadness.  It’s not too much to asak is it?

Except that it seems to be.  And everyone says:  "Good things come to those who wait."

And they also say that that you can’t just wait and let life pass you by.  I’ve tried to be patient and just mellow with the whole thing.  It just gets to you when you spend more of your adult life single than you do sharing it with that special someone.  And yet…that’s the way my life goes.  For every year I spend with someone I spend two single.  Because aparantly there’s something wrong with me.  "Oh, have confidence in yourself."  I used to, the first half dozen times in the past year that I was shot down I didn’t let it get to me just kept telling myself they didn’t know what they were missing.

I should probably just give up and realize that some people aren’t meant to have anyone.

They’re built tough to take it, the abuse, the hurt, the pain.  Some people are built strong enough to survive anything.  I’ve been homeless, I’ve been jobless for months on end, I’ve been alone, I’ve been the victim of physical abuse for years, I’ve been on drugs, I’ve survived it all and done it with no one at my side.  I guess some of us have to be built like that to show those that aren’t as strong that it can be done.

I’ve been so low that even a minimum wage job with no car, no benefits, and not having anything to eat besides ramen and water is a good life and I can live it.  Right now I’ve got more than that, for the time being that is.  All I want is someone at my side that can be proud with me, something that I guess I will never have.

–RK