How my heart was ripped out.

So, some notes of resolution, one of the hopefulls in line for the dating dropped out of the running, she’s "with someone" now.  Good for her takes away a little of the confusion.  But more confusion still exists because my FWB person…well…I don’t want to fall for her, but I can feel it happening, which is unfortunate because she’s not my type at all, she’s rather mean and demanding, not at all the type of person that I really want to be with, but I can feel some kind of attachment growing, to make matters worse, she’s falling in love with me and she told me this.  However I spent the entire weekend thinking of Holley and what she did to me.

I’m a bit of a lone wolf…always have been with friends, family, everyone.  My friend Felix who I’ve known six years just this past year learned when my birthday was.  I’m just not very attach-y.  I am feircely loyal though, to a fault almost.  And Holley, she hurt me bad.  She was the first woman that I ever knew for a fact that I loved unconditionally.  She was the first person I wanted to ever settle down with.  She kept me stringing along, telling me that she couldn’t see the future, hanging all over me, sleeping in the same bed as me, asking for my comfort and understanding, telling me that I was hot a few times, kissed me more than once, and then tells me how turned on she is around me, telling me that I’d have to make the first move between us.

Then telling me we’re nothing but friends and that’s all we’ll ever be, disapears for six months then comes back into my life because she needs emotional support, support she can’t get from the man she’s dating.  She wants me to be her boyfriend away from her boyfriend.  The one she goes to for support, understanding, and true love without feeling as though she needs to do anything above and beyond lead me on.  She said today that "we may fight, we may not talk for months at a time, but [I] know that if I needed him no matter what [I] did, even if [I] did the most unforgivable thing [he’d] be there for [me]."  I may have forgiven her enough to talk to her again, but I can never forget what happened, I’m still deeply hurt by her and she has no idea how much she’s impacted my life because of her actions.

I am not by any stretch either bitter or resentful, merely injured, my self confidence shot even lower than it was before.  I haven’t seen her since September, and I don’t know when I’m going to actually see her again, I don’t think there are feelings in me left for her, and maybe that will all change if I ever saw her again, but…I do want her to know exactly what she did to me, not to try and make her feel bad, but to make her understand that things can never be the same between us again, that person has since died a little. 

With my FWB I’m lowering my standards so very low and I feel bad for her, because she really is starting to love me…and I don’t want to love her.  Unfortunately it seems that pershaps if I don’t accept this "offer" then it’ll be another year or so single, which I don’t mind the being single part, it’s nice to not have to answer to anyone for my actions, never having to ask permission or take another’s thoughts into account, but sometimes it sucks not feeling as though I have worth, or at least worth in a way towards myself that I’d like to.

Perhaps I just expect to find someone else like Holley, well, like her except to the extent that they actually want me back to the degree that I want them.

Perhaps I’m just an idiot though.

–RK